If
you feel confused and a bit frightened about the prospect of ending
your marriage, then once again - you are not alone but in good
company.
Most people considering divorce experience times
when they vacillate between wanting to "bite the bullet"
by starting divorce proceedings and wanting to "stick it
out" by staying in the relationship. This is also perfectly
normal, Contrary to popular belief - or actually the perceptions
of those whose spouses have left them - the decision to leave
a relationship is a very difficult one to make. Rarely do people
make the decision to end a marriage on a whim. Very few people
impulsively decide to walk out on their marriages.
Ending a relationship is not easy. Aside from
the emotional investment people make, there are other considerations
like children, homes, cars, savings, bills, health care benefits,
pensions and retirement plans to keep in mind. Unraveling a marriage,
especially one that is longstanding is a challenge at best. And
what makes the process even more difficult is having to make important
decisions at a time when people feel most vulnerable, stressed
and emotionally drained.
It's always difficult to know for sure if you are
making the right decision. What may feel "right" one day
may seem "wrong" the next day. To help you in your important
decision-making, I strongly recommend that you read Susie
and Otto Collins' ebook, "Should
I Stay or Should I Go". This ebook is filled with hundreds
of questions, stories and insights that will help the reader consciously
determine whether to stay in a relationship or to move on. Some
of the things you will learn from reading this ebook are:
- Know whether you really want to stay in this
relationship or move on
- Find out what you really want in a relationship
and whether you'll be able to have it in this relationship
- Identify the real issues going on in this relationship
(they may not be what you think)
- Understand the communication challenges going
on between the two of you
- Show you how the way money is handled in your
relationship may be causing major problems without you even
knowing it
- Tell you what to do if there's physical, emotional
or sexual abuse going on in this relationship
- Give you a new way of thinking about how addictions
affect your relationship
- Identify how patterns from your past may be
unconsciously ruining your relationship right before your eyes
Assessing the Viability
of a Relationship
One of the major obstacles to assessing the viability
of a relationship doing so when that relationship is in a state
of crisis. The emotional rollercoaster ride associated with a
crisis makes decision making a huge challenge. One minute you
are up and the next one you are down. One minute the marriage
or relationship seems worth saving and the next, it feels as if
it is completely hopeless or of little value. But, before struggling
with figuring out whether the relationship is worth working on,
perhaps the best starting point is begins with taking a hard look
at you.
By examining your inner self, you may be able
to establish what is it you want from a relationship and - whether
your present relationship can reasonably meet your needs. You
may find that your expectations of your partner and the relationship
are way off base. On the other hand, you may come to the realization
that your partner or spouse cannot give you what you are looking
for. Whichever way it is, you owe it to yourself to take the time
and energy to find out.
Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations
of their spouse or partner. Sometimes, deep down people know it,
but they delude themselves into believing that their needs can
be met in the relationship. Sometimes people believe that they
alone can make the relationship work. People who maintain these
beliefs find themselves very disappointed and unhappy. After all,
they are not getting what they need from the relationship.
By trying to keep the relationship going, they
may also find themselves clinging to relationships that should
have been left long ago. This is no different than people who
fail to sell their stock shares while they were still in a position
to cut their losses.
Women have special concerns when they are contemplating
getting a divorce. Because women's needs are different from those
of men, they are often plagued by indecisiveness and fear about
the divorcing process. In any case, a decision must be reached
through well thought-out, careful decision based on what's right
for them, their values, their priorities, and their lives.
Ending a marriage ranks high on the list of "important
decisions" a person has to make. Decision-making at this
time should therefore never be taken lightly because the consequences
of a premature "wrong" decision outweigh the consequences
of delaying making "any" decision.
My advice is - when in doubt, Wait! Unless it
is a matter of life and death, delaying your decision for 24 hours
will not make a measurable difference. Alternatively, rushing
into a hasty decision could be disastrous.
So…if you are reasonably sure that divorce
is where you and your spouse are headed, you may still be caught
up in the emotional turmoil caused by the process. It is absolutely
vital that you get a handle on what you need to do to avoid making
some very serious mistakes, particularly during the early stages
of divorce. Mistakes made at this time could have a direct bearing
on the settlement you will reach and the type of custody and access
arrangements you will have with your children
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