During
a wedding ceremony, when people are joined together in matrimony,
they swear and vow to honor and respect each other and to remain
partners both during good and bad times. But in most marriages,
this is not always the case. One out of every two marriages in
America is failing and will explode in divorce. It takes two people
to make a marriage succeed. Marriages fail because of the differences
in the two people involved, because of conflicts and various problems
in life.
Here are some marital insights to help you to
cope with a divorce announcement. No one is perfect, and happiness
in life is a matter of learning from our mistakes. There is no
greater emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a woman than
the announcement by her husband that he wants a divorce. Even
if both parties have "seen it coming" for some time,
and the announcement really comes as no big surprise, the actual
announcement is quite similar to a bomb exploding in your face.
It can be difficult to finally admit that the person you held
hands with so many years ago, and promised to love - honor - and
obey - to be supportive of, to stand beside in good times and
bad - through sickness and health - for richer or poorer -who
no longer wants you or your love, has turned out not to be an
angel as you originally thought and believed but a monster.
When you first hear the announcement for a divorce
from your spouse, it may sound unreal, and difficult to believe.
You may be thrown into a cyclone of self-denial. It may take time
to sink in your head. And when it finally sinks inside, you may
be overcome with a feeling of betrayal, then guilt, then hot anger
and finally perhaps rage. You've to understand that these feelings
are normal and don't let them destroy the rest of your life.
It is of the utmost importance that when you face
this kind of heart rendering situation that you find the courage
to understand that you can recover -that you will recover. It
will be hard, but you must immediately and absolutely turn the
page on that chapter of your life. You must quickly and absolutely
sever all ties with that person - the one that has inflicted this
pain upon you. Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things
that remind you of them.
Change your phone number. If necessary, move into
a new home or apartment. Re-locate to another city. You must put
an immediate end to your marriage. Once a man/woman has announced
to you that he/she no longer wants you for a wife/husband, you
have to start thinking about your own survival.
It's going to be similar to losing a vital part
of your body, but you must let go, and the sooner you do let go
- completely end that chapter of your life - the sooner you'll
be able to set about rebuilding your life and ultimately finding
the happiness you want. Between the time that your husband announces
the end of the marriage, and the time when you'll find new happiness,
you're going to hurt like you've never dreamed possible. You're
going to go through a number of mental and emotional phases -
all of which are perfectly normal and necessary in order for you
to "heal yourself" of this great hurt. You'll never
be able to enjoy love or attain true happiness until you have
discharged the past from your system and healed yourself. Think
of all you're going through as a wound similar to a gash on your
arm or leg.
It's going to hurt, and you're going to bleed,
but with the proper care and time, you will recover. You must
understand that divorce is quite common - you're not alone nor
going through anything that a lot of other people haven't experienced
- and that in order to "get well," you must understand
the nature of the wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as
much about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible. At
first, you'll probably deny that this is happening to you. You
may pretend that it's just a bad dream or some sort of bad joke
he's pulling on you. This type of thinking is normal, but it only
prolongs the agony of your hurt.
You must face the reality of the situation - accept
the fact that your marriage is over - and get on with the task
of finding happiness for yourself, immediately. You'll probably
lay awake in bed at night and review "every minute"
of your marriage - thinking that in this or that circumstance,
you could've been a better wife, and from there beg for another
chance. You'll want to accept full responsibility - at least a
big share of the guilt - for the problems that caused the break-up
of your marriage. These thoughts are only natural, but they cannot
put your marriage back together, and any attempts to "try
one more time," at this stage will only cause you greater
pain. You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and
busy your mind and yourself, with activities that don't allow
you time to "rehash" the events of the past.
Don't allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings.
Just because your marriage is over doesn't mean that your life
is over. The earth is very big with billions of people and you
must believe that there are many other human beings out there
who will love to become your partner again. Accept your own short-comings;
vow that you will profit from what you've experienced; and then
get on with your life. You'll never be comfortable with yourself,
nor find real happiness so long as you're dragging "guilt
feelings" from your past around with you.
Somewhere along the way, you'll become so angry
with your ex-husband - the world - and even God, that you'll be
beyond yourself in your ability to express it all. If you feel
you need it, go for a therapy and counseling. It will be necessary
that you express this anger - to get it all out of your system
-before you'll be able to "feel good" around men again.
Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own
sense of hurt and frustration. It's such a volatile and all-consuming
emotion that unless you give it an outlet, it will literally eat
you alive.
Understand your anger, and manage it in a manner
that will benefit you - in such a way that your expression of
it is constructive to your regaining your emotional health. A
few things you might think about doing: write the complete story
of your marriage for your kids,; how you met, your dreams and
hopes, the good and the bad, the sacrifices each of you made,
and how - beyond either of your capabilities to control - the
marriage just came to an end... write in precise detail exactly
what is making you angry, and why. Put it in letter form to your
ex-husband and really tell him everything that has been, and is
bothering you. Let him know that you are a person with wants and
needs too.
Stand in front of a mirror and "rehearse"
an angry confrontation with your ex-husband and/or anyone else
involved. Make an appointment with your priest or minister; or
find a friend who'll listen as you explain the frustration, hurt
and futility you feel. Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute
necessity that you let it all out. This anger and bitterness you
feel is like a poison that you must cleanse from your soul. The
sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you'll be able to get on
with your life –re-gain your mental health and position
yourself for happiness.
Finally, there'll come a day when you'll no longer
be bothered by thoughts of your ex-husband. It won't even bother
you when you see him with another woman, and that'll be the day
when you've finally accepted the fact that your marriage to him
is over. You will have truly let go of him, and will be ready
for a new try at happiness. Your progress from being rejected
by your husband (or wife) to acceptance of the fact that you don't
want him (or here) if he/she doesn't want you, and positioning
you for a second chance, won't come easily. It may take you about
two and a half to three years.
You must understand the damage you've sustained, the healing
that's required, and the time it's going to take to get well.
May these insights into divorce and how to cope with it help you
to re-discover yourself and sustain you for a better future. Warmly,
I-key Benney.
I-key, a Millionaire CEO from New York City is the creator of
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