| Jenny
Clair, Fri Dec 9th
We have all most probably encountered it at some
stage in ourlives - who do we stay friends with after a couple
divorces orseparates?
The text book answer is to stay friends with both
parties ofcourse but that’s a mighty tall order to fulfil
as we aredealing with human emotions and judgemental attitudes
here aswell.
Fortunately I think that most normal friends witnessing
a coupleof family splitting up can actually see both sides of
the coinand actually do stay away from taking sides.
However, in the real world the divorcing couple
will normallyexpect you to commit to one side or the other and
this patternoften establishes itself way before the final separation
ordivorce. This is due to our blame culture where we often ignoreour
own responsibilities for the situation we find ourselves in- it’s
always someone else’s fault - black & white, whenactually
there will be many shades of grey that overlap and itis often
not until many years later and upon a lot of reflectivethought
that we suddenly realise that we were actually partly toblame
for the failure of that relationship.
So, how do friends handle the initial expectation
from one partof the divorcing couple to now ignore their former
partner? Itcan be really tough for friends of separating partners
- youknow, who do you invite to the family party - him or her
- canyou invite both? - what will happen if they both meet at
thedaughters wedding? - god forbid but what will happen should
eachone bring a new partner? - The scenarios are endless.
Having experienced several friends now go through
divorce andseparation proceedings and each one has found its own
set ofissues, I can say that there is no set advice or guidance
in theform of a one size fits all answer.
However, there are a few outline framework procedures
that Iwould certainly adopt in order to ensure that your former
coupleremain friends long after the divorce or separation.
Firstly - always try to balance being sympathetic
andunderstanding to your main friend but without actually agreeingto
any of their own conclusions regarding blame etc. - rememberyour
only hearing one side of a very unbalanced perspective.This ensures
that you do not reinforce your friends biasedviewpoint and you
can still remain impartial - very important.This may require exemplary
diplomatic skills but if yourconscious of this fact can actually
be quite challenging andrewarding - its like being tested yourself.
Secondly, make it clear to your main friend that
you may stillsee or respond to their former partner from time
to time afterthe divorce or separation for obvious and practical
reasons.Most of our lives are intertwined these days with other
stuffsuch as the sharing of the school run or business contacts
forexample. It needs to be made clear by way of simple inexplicitreferences
with your normal conversations that this will happen.This signals
to your main friend that divided loyalties are notactually that
simple to divide in the manner that they may bethinking. It also
ensures that you are not accused of being a‘Judas’
and losing the confidence or friendship of your mainfriend when
they find out that you have had contact with theirformer partner.
And thirdly, never, ever say what you really thought
of theirformer partner even if you think that having empathy with
theirfeelings will help them over this period - Just remember
that ahigh proportion of separating couples do actually end up
gettingback together again & releasing a load of sympathetic
venom lastmonth will stick in your reunited friends throat like
barbedwire and your relationship with them both will never be
the sameagain.
Within these three basic guidance rules will be
a whole host ofanomalies that will occur that will need careful
thoughtfulplanning on what your responses will be for each individual
caseof a divorcing couple. It wont be easy - it never is especiallywhen
dealing with a high emotional content. But trying to frameyour
responses within these three basic guidance rules shouldensure
that your friendship is retained and remains flexible formost
situations that may occur over the coming years.
About the author:Jenny Clair is the editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com
anarticle based web site exploring the human side of marriagebreakdowns,
divorce and separation situations. http://www.marriage-divorce-separation.com
| 
Overview
