Divorce
is a major life change and so it's usually very stressful. This
is why you may be experiencing a lot of nervous tension and poor
sleep (and why you need to start taking care of yourself and your
health). When it comes to post-divorce issues such as dating,
again different people react in different ways. For many women,
dating is about the last thing on their mind. In the early stages
of separation and divorce, you're more likely to be feeling hurt,
angry, betrayed, depressed, frightened, nervous and even guilty.
Issues surrounding the children, living arrangements,
access, how you're going to get by financially and property settlement
are going to be more important than dating some new man. You may
even be "over men", at least temporarily. It may be
that you are still in love with your husband and you are experiencing
that sense of loss and grief. Sometimes separation and divorce
are harder than if your spouse had died in a car accident - at
least that way, there's no chance of you running into him down
the street!
There are no hard and fast rules as to when women
should date after divorce. Divorce is a process - not just a legal
and practical one, but an emotional and psychological journey
as well. What we have found though is that it is tougher to deal
with where the other party has already entered into a new relationship
with someone else, and you haven't. You can feel a lot of anger
and resentment in such circumstances. Why, because you feel like
a victim - cast off for someone newer, prettier, younger or perhaps
he's just discovered he's gay!
From an emotional point of view, coping successfully
with divorce involves:-
(a) Letting go of old habits, patterns, expectations
and dependencies.
(b) Accepting what you can't change and learning
to let go of hurt, fear, blame, guilt and resentment.
(c) Re-evaluating your own expectations so you
don't repeat past mistakes.
(d) Forming a a balanced view of your new situation.
(e) Re-building your self-confidence to develop
a new intimate relationship.
Here, we're concerned with (e) above. We know that you may be
completely dis-interested in dating or having any sort of intimate
relationship with another man right now. That's okay but there
will come a time when this isn't the case. Don't believe us? How
many divorced women do you already know who haven't gone on to
form new relationships or re-marry - not many probably! Guess
what, the same thing is very likely going to happen to you also.
It's just a question of when.
What's more important is knowing when you're ready
to start dating. Starting too soon or for the wrong reasons is
not going to help re-build your self-confidence or help you develop
an openness to new intimate relationships. Let's not overlook
the fact that you may be the one who wants the divorce. You may
already be in a relationship with someone other than your husband.
These days, the world is a two-way street right!
We've known some women who have started dating
almost immediately. Others may enjoy what are known as "transitional
sex partners". These are usually people who become good friends
and bed partners during the intervening period between divorce
and falling in love again.
One of the major issues for women when they're
ready to start dating is where and how to start. Personally, we
believe that you should start by simply getting together with
friends or work colleagues for fun, relaxation and enjoyment.
Men can spot a desperate housewife a mile off! It's often when
you stop worrying about finding a new man that everything starts
to fall into place. If you are having a good time, you'll automatically
make an impact and attract attention. No one wants to be around
someone who doesn't have a sense of humour or who is depressed
and untalkative!
Another way to start is via online dating. If
you're careful and cautious, you'll probably find it far more
preferable to going to bars and clubs. The best part about online
dating is that you simply start out chatting online. You aren't
dealing with anyone face to face and so rejection is not an issue.
He doesn't know your address or phone number and you aren't under
any obligations!
These days, there are many online dating services
available. You can take your pick. However, the services featured
on our website have been around for some time. With some others,
you really don't know who or what you're actually dealing with.
So, be cautious - make sure you're the one in
control and never give out your address or phone number. If and
when you choose to meet some cyber friend in person, make sure
it is in a safe environment and away from your home or workplace.
Women should date after divorce. It may be a bit
more complicated where you have children but you has a life too.
Remember, every day of your children's lives ... is a day of yours!
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