Experience
and academic studies have helped us identify the basic elements
of a successful divorce. "Successful" means completing the process
of emotional separation, reaching a new center of balance as a
single person, maintaining the welfare of your children, and establishing
healthy attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your past
marriage. Absence of conflict is not part of the ideal divorce.
A degree of anger and conflict is natural, useful, even constructive.
It helps to break the bonds of attachment and old patterns of
relationship; it makes you think and reflect; it makes you change.
But excessive and destructive conflict requires special treatment.
The discussion of severe conflict and how to deal with it is found
in Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better. Apart from
peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical
advantages to struggling as hard as you can to make your divorce
better. The closer you can get to the ideals discussed below,
the better it will be for you and your family: * You will ease
tensions and conflict * You will have a far greater chance for
compliance with terms of agreements * You will save thousands
in legal costs * If you have children, you will greatly improve
co-parenting and cooperation Elements of a successful divorce:
1. Mutuality. Lack of mutual sharing in the decision to divorce
is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post-divorce
periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together.
This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed
than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best
thing under the circumstances. The spouses should be mutually
active in negotiating terms and in co-parenting. The most stable
settlements occur when both spouses take an active role in the
negotiations, not simply leaving it to a lawyer. A good divorce
is an actively mutual enterprise. 2. Attitude. Each spouse should
end up with a balanced view of the other spouse and of the marriage
experience. There should be a sense of emotional and spiritual
closure. You should be free of any lingering feeling of blame,
guilt or failure. You want to create increased self-understanding,
the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a
sense of self-confidence. 3. Children. In an ideal divorce, injury
to children is minimized, primarily through maintaining good co-parenting
relations. Children can literally be destroyed by fighting between
their parents, so it is very important that parents be able to
work together for the well-being of their children. When not resolved,
conflict can go on for years, even after the legal divorce is
over. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent
is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that
they are the cause of the divorce. 4. Setting goals. Trying to
create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal you try to achieve,
like ideal health or achievement in some sport. Your goals are
something you work toward, but you don’t want to beat yourself
up every time you fall short. Just try your best. The closer you
can get, the better and smoother your divorce will go, and the
better your future will be.
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Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning
author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books
and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars
in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit Nolo
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