| Susan
Murphy-Milano
When people start a new relationship, it is as
though Cinderella and her Prince stepped out of that childhood
story. A more realistic way to look at it is to think of it as
two people who are running for office, campaigning to be in the
other person’s life. Forget that it is not who they will
be later in life. We are too busy getting the other person to
“choose us” so we can live happily ever after. There
is, bad habits early on in the relationship we never see. For
instance, leaving dirty clothes scattered, drinking directly out
of the juice carton, putting a dirty knife back in the drawer
and watching from around the corner as they lick it clean, washing
is too much effort. Both sides hide their bad habits when they
begin dating, because they are too busy running for the highest
office in the country, ultimately the office of marriage and parenthood.
This fantasy life fades as people grow together
in a relationship. Unfortunately, about sixty percent grow apart
during the marriage.
When the marriage ends it is like a house set
on fire. All desired hopes, dreams and commitment cherished by
both sides, up in smoke. But, we forget that the child of this
relationship has yet to lay the foundation of their lives.
Divorce on any level, is devastating. For children,
their warm, safe world is suddenly shattered like a broken toy,
in many pieces. When parents begin to divorce, do they really
stop and think about the children? All too often, the children
fall under the invisible heading of “power base” or
worse yet, “negotiable”.
A child’s life during a divorce is like
a roller coaster, going up minute and down the next. Parents are
keeping score of their child’s affection as though they
were at a sporting event. Both parents fear losing ground as though
their competition, the other parent, chips away at there own individual
“power base”. This is an automatic reaction during
a divorce. If only parents would stop for a moment and realize,
that children have unconditional love for each of them.
Children were not beamed down from space to earth.
They were conceived and brought into this world with the greatest
expectations, and most of all love. By two people the child calls
mother and father. These two people have forgotten that being
a parent, role model and teacher, means not putting down the other.
Or using the children to emotionally beat up the “competition”.
Because, being a parent is a privilege!
A divorce is like a funeral. Of course, there
is no casket or service. But the process is the same.
“Funeral” services begin when the parties enter their
lawyers office, (I call them legal funeral representatives) they
help prepare for the death of their clients marriage.
The lawyers seek out personal, confidential information
about you, only to file it in a public record for the world to
see.
Attached to this public record filing is a detailed
financial description, (yours) of personal property and assets
acquired during the marriage.
Somewhere between page 11 or 15 of the divorce
agreement, your children are listed, like an asset, by name and
age. And on yet another page, you will find the “children”,
stating who gets custody when, on what days, with specific times
and for how long. Can’t forget the holiday schedules, this
appears on yet another page of the divorce decree. This page looks
more like a major event schedule, trading odd and even years off
during the holidays.
If parents would think for a moment and get off
their “power base”, they should be able to work out
these very private details among themselves.
Months, and in some cases years later a judge,
who I refer to as the coroner (no disrespect intended) sit before
these strangers, in a court of law, with people who once vowed
to love, honor and cherish each other all the days of their lives,
ask if all parties are in agreement, with the tap of his gavel,
signs the death certificate (known more commonly as the divorce
decree.
I for one think this process is a crime. We allow
total strangers to settle our once very happy lives. The greater
crime, however, is the children, divided up among the parents
like a piece of property. They are the “Voiceless Victims.”
© 2005 - Susan Murphy Milano http://www.movingoutmovingon.com
About the Author Susan Murphy Milano, is a respected author and
nationally recognized relationship expert.Her new book Moving
Out,Moving On, when a relationship goes wrong is now available.Susan's
quest for justice has been trumpted across the pages of newspapers,
magazines, radio and televison, including, Oprah, CNN, MSCNBC,
ABC, NBC, 20/20.http://www.movingoutmvoingon.com
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