Karl
Augustine, Fri Dec 9th
All children are different and respond differently
to divorce.Depending on the characteristics of the children -
age,emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the
easieror more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.
As a parent, you should know your children better
thananyone...use your best judgment with your children duringconsidering
divorce. This "divorce and children" article is forparents
who are certain that they would get a divorce if theydidn't have
children and want to decide what to think aboutregarding the effects
a divorce would have on their children.
In *Dr. Robert Emery's book, "The Truth About
Children AndDivorce", he explains that children of divorced
parents canactually live wonderful lives as long as the parents
use properjudgment and create the right types of interactions
betweenthemselves and with each other.
*Dr. Emery is a divorce mediation expert and is
a Professor ofPsychology. Dr. Emery serves as the Director of
the Center forChildren, Families, and The Law for the Department
of Psychologyat the University of Virginia.
This article on this web page does not suggest
that divorce isthe correct course of action for you and it in
no way should betaken as a form of counseling to you. This article
is merely tospark you to think logically and then make your own
decisionabout divorce and your children.
As previously stated, every child is different
and subsequently,every child responds to divorce in a different
way.
If you think there's a definitive answer about
how divorceaffects children, you are mistaken. There's been hundreds
ofbooks written about this subject and a plethora of studies doneregarding
divorce and children, all citing differing opinionsand using different
statistical constraints and inputs. But,statistics can only go
so far...if you know your children betterthan anyone else, you
will know best how they'll be affected bya divorce.
How divorce affects children and what you should
do if you'restaying married solely because you have children is
complicatedissue.
Here's some things you may want to consider if
you're a parentwho is staying married just because you have children:
Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure
that you are, infact, only staying married just because you have
children.
Often times people use the children as an excuse
not to get adivorce because they aren't really sure that they
want a divorceor have some other fear regarding divorce. Those
fears can bepresent due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements,
orother personal issues.
Before you really take the next steps in deciding
whether or notto get a divorce because of your children, rank
your reasons fordivorce and make sure that you're really certain
you'd get adivorce if you didn't have children.
Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure
'guilt' isn'tthe real reason that you aren't getting a divorce.
The 'guilt' referenced above is the guilt brought
on by thinkingthat your divorce will hurt your children. In and
of itself,this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven't
reallyexamined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect
onyour children. If you aren't getting divorced because of guiltin
this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that isaffecting
your children, then you aren't really staying marriedfor them,
you're staying married for you because you feelguilty...this is
selfish.
Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you've
clearlydefined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solelybecause
you have children, examine why you think divorce willadversely
affect your children.
Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on
childreninitially, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce
willbe a negative influence on your children forever.
Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency,
theintelligence, the emotional health, and the support they'd
needto mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have
onthem. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorceis
worked through?
Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you've
really definedwhat you believe to be negative effects on your
children due todivorce, think about what your children's life
will be like inthe immediate and distant future if you do actually
go throughwith the divorce.
Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain
a healthy environmentfor my children if I do get a divorce?"
One thing that is a critical factor in this decision
is thefeasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably.If
you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, andyou
both can agree to always put your children's welfare aboveyour
own, you will be one step ahead.
Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is
necessary tocreate the right type of environment for your children.
Assurethat there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.
Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma
of a child'slife. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce
decision.Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done
untilyour're certain that divorce is the best course of action.Getting
a divorce without making sure that divorce is the rightthing is
selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do toyour children...after
all, they deserve your best effort!
One thing should remain constant...that you and
your spouse willalways be there for your children, no matter what.
About the author:Author of "A Practical Guide To Deciding
Whether Or Not To Get ADivorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.Proven "Actions Items" to
help you decide! Deciding on Divorce - Children and Divorce
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