What
can be more precious than our children? Unfortunately, for that
reason, in divorce, children often become “high stakes”
commodities. Sounds cruel? You bet it is! And just for the record,
custody disputes are on the rise. The obvious question is why?
The answer is rather simple. Most custody battles are not about
children. They are about money and/or revenge. This is how it
works…
As indicated, children are highly valued by most parents and parents
feel extremely vulnerable at the thought of losing their children
or their love. On the other hand, money is also highly valued
and people feel vulnerable at the thought of losing it. Is this
starting to make sense?
Children and money are two highly valued assets. If one is being
threatened, the best way to defend against losing it is to attack
the other. So, if a parent is fearful that he or she might be
“taken to the cleaners”, the best way to protect oneself
is to use the children as a “bargaining point” or
“pawn”.
On the other hand, a spouse may feel betrayed by his or her spouse
leaving the relationship (particularly for someone else). When
this happens, the embittered spouse often retaliates by punishing
the other spouse by alienating the children.
Both these situations are regrettable and more importantly they
are heartless and selfish. In situations when children are thrown
in the middle of their parents’ dispute and are exposed
to the details of their parents’ conflict, it can be down
right abusive.
Although these situations are thankfully not the norm in divorce,
they do exist in increasing numbers. A quick search of the Internet
will produce hundreds of websites offering resources for parents
struggling with custody battles.
There are lots of divorce forums on the Internet. Some are better
than others. Here is a list of the ones I feel are worthwhile
having a look at because they provide more than a venue for people
to vent:
?Divorce Strategy Central
?Help Stop PAS
?Separated Parenting and Access Resource Center
?Other Divorce Discussion Lists
Visit these groups and others. Many will allow
you to read their posts before joining. Once you’ve had
a look around, you will be in a better position to decide which
ones best meet your needs.
Custody Evaluations
As the number of custody battles continues to
rise, so does the number of custody evaluations being ordered
by the courts. As a matter of fact, you can almost be certain
that if you and your ex are unable to come to terms on how you
are going parent your children post divorce, then the judge will
order a custody evaluation.
Custody evaluations are very detailed and thorough assessments
of a family. Their purpose is to determine what type of parenting
arrangement will best meet the needs of the children involved.
A custody evaluation will make recommendations about whether there
should be sole or joint custody, with whom the children shall
reside as well as the type of access for the noncustodial parent.
It may also address issues regarding a parent’s desire to
move the children to another jurisdiction and away from the other
parent, matters of religion and concerns about parental competency.
Psychologists, social workers or family therapists who have received
training in conducting custody evaluations generally conduct custody
evaluations. Often times, the evaluations include psychological
testing by a registered psychologist. Most parents who have been
through a custody evaluation find the experience to be extremely
stressful and anxiety provoking. After all, it’s pretty
unnerving to have someone else may comments about your ability
to parent!
If you seem to be heading toward a custody evaluation, then it
is best to do your homework ahead of time. Although there is no
way to guarantee the outcome of your evaluation, there are some
definite tips about how to gain an edge in the process. A great
starting point in educating yourself is by becoming familiar with
the “Guidelines
For Custody Evaluations in Divorce Proceedings”This document
explains in detail the standards for how custody evaluations should
be conducted
As in any profession, there are good custody evaluators
and not so good ones. By properly educating yourself, you will
be able to make the best choice and not leave it up to chance.
In most cases, you will be able to put forward two or three choices.
Often times, the other side is unprepared. If this is the case,
you will have the upper hand. If the other side is prepared, then
there is still a reasonable chance that one of your selections
will still be chosen.
Once a custody evaluator has been agreed upon
and retained, the next step is to make sure that you are properly
prepared for the process. This is where a divorce coach/consultant
can walk you through the process and even give you a test run
of the questions
you will likely be asked. Learning how to conduct yourself during
a custody evaluation and framing your responses in a way that
will impress an evaluator could have significant impact on the
recommendations that are made.
The decision to go the custody evaluation route is an important
one. In some cases, a custody evaluation can cause more harm than
good. You will find that custody evaluator’s will often
highlight parents’ weaknesses rather than their strengths.
So it is essential that you understand what’s at stake and
what you are getting yourself into.
For more information about “Preparing For a Custody Evaluation:
Things You REALLY Need to Know!" - CLICK
HERE
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