David
Beart
The costs of getting a divorce are staggering.
The payouts – which don’t end overnight or in a month
– can cripple you financially. It could be years before
you get back on your feet.
For celebrities and members of the upper classes,
they would gladly pay for expensive lawyers and financial trustees
to rid themselves of a spouse that has proven to be more of a
liability rather than an asset. It was good while it lasted, but
people like to move on with their lives. They pick up the pieces
and start anew.
When we think of the cost of divorce, our first
impulse is to see dollars and cents dancing in our heads and we
reel from the bills that land in our mailboxes. The financial
picture can look as ugly as the divorce itself. But it’s
not just the money that is the thorny issue. There’s another
kind of cost that is equally staggering. And devastating.
That cost is the emotional toll on individuals
who divorce. No wonder many of them come out of a divorce 100%
different. Their sentiments and attitudes have taken a 360 degree
turn so when they finally leave the courtroom or their lawyer’s
offices, they can’t begin to comprehend what truly hit them.
Your heart goes out to the man in Alcoholics Anonymous
who says that after the divorce, he lost everything – his
job, his wife and kids, his house – and with bitterness,
he says “I also lost me. Don’t know where I’ve
been or where I’m going.”
Both the financial and psychological cost of divorce
generate such a devastating outcome that will last a long time;
you sometimes stop to think and ask the question, “was getting
a divorce really worth it?”
Cost of Divorce: The Emotional Aspect
Can you imagine yourself being a changed person all because of
a divorce? Change is probably too mild a word. Let’s try
transformed or metamorphosed. Has the innocence of youth totally
disappeared that you’ve lost trust in your fellow humans?
Focusing on the divorce itself tends to make us
overlook the few years leading up to the divorce. Your emotions
have been stretched a lot in that period of time. They’ve
been stretched so much that they’ve lost their elasticity.
You’ve tried your best, experimented with solutions, visited
one counselor after another but your instincts tell you that the
love and trust are no longer there and the marriage is over. You
need to call it quits before there’s not a morsel left in
you. You need to conserve the little that remains, because sadly,
it’s all you’ve got to try to build on from scratch.
Staying in the marriage will only deprive you of that tiny, tiny
chance at finding happiness again.
In the meantime, do you know what’s happened
to you, your soul and the elements that once defined you?
Perhaps the best way to illustrate the emotional
cost of divorce is to look at a few examples of “wounded”
husbands and wives whose emotions had changed from the time they
were newlyweds up to the time of their divorce.
Case # 1: Honey, I’ve got a headache.
HE: At first I said she was just tired and stressed
from looking after the kids all day. But then she was beginning
to refuse sex more frequently. This made me feel that I’m
unattractive and have lost the ability to excite her. I mean,
the point of getting married is to have one partner for life but
my wife is unresponsive and is not interested in sex. Makes you
wonder about the whole monogamy issue. Can’t she see I’m
hurt by her constant refusal? Does she not love me anymore?
SHE: He expects me to be there ready for him.
I feel he treats me more like a machine – something he can
turn on and off – gets what he wants and turns his back
when he’s done. I feel so cheap, so unloved that I’d
rather refuse his advances than endure his mechanical lovemaking.
I’m ready to throw in the towel. I prefer someone who’s
less demanding physically.
Case # 2: Help, our bank account’s sinking!
SHE: I understand that it’s important to
save for a rainy day. I agreed to be thrifty and I’ve been
through years of self-deprivation. I work so it’s not as
if I’m spending his money. I contribute to the household
expenses but every time I buy a dress or a bottle of my favorite
perfume, he makes me feel like I’ve lost all money sense
and that I don’t care about our future. I resent the way
he tries to make me save like he does. To me, money was meant
to be saved and spent. I want to have more control over my money.
He’s interfering in an area where he has no business interfering.
HE: I’m trying to emulate my dad. We weren’t
very rich but because he saved consistently, he managed to provide
for his family adequately, and my mother did not have to find
work after he died. I see a lot of our friends who have since
gone bankrupt because they always had to have the latest gadgets.
All those cars, motorcycles, iPods, cell phones, pools, club memberships,
eating out – they’re all a drain on your savings.
My wife believes in instant gratification. I keep telling her
that’s the sure way to financial ruin. She’s totally
ignorant about what our lives will be like when we retire –
and with escalating health care costs…
Case # 3: I’m not good enough for him. He
criticizes my lack of knowledge and he says I’m an ignoramus
SHE: I feel like I’m under a microscope.
He questions me as if I’m an underperformer in school. He
forces me to read books I don’t enjoy and brings home magazines
that he expects me to read so when he questions me, I can come
up with a decent answer. He says he admires his female colleagues
in the office who are lawyers. He calls me dumb blond when my
hair isn’t even blond. He keeps taunting me with “you
could have at least finished high school. You don’t even
know what’s happening in the world.” Then finally,
the last straw was when he said he didn’t want our children
to be as ignorant as me. That’s when I decided I was no
longer going to take any verbal abuse from him – he killed
my spirit but I wasn’t going to let him kill what’s
left of me.
HE: My wife is so lazy and lacking in ambition.
Here we are living in one of the largest cities in North America
and she won’t do anything to educate herself. Our community
offers all kinds of self-improvement courses and I’ve told
her time and again how important it is to learn new things so
we could have a decent conversation. But she’s content being
at home, caring for the kids. She won’t even pick up the
newspaper. I was aware I was marrying someone who lacked a bit
of initiative, what I didn’t know then was I marrying someone
who was slothful.
From the three cases above, we can summarize the
emotional cost of divorce thus:
Death of love and loss of respect, isolation,
self-doubt, low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, absence of
trust, cynicism, intolerance, anger, bitterness and feelings of
inadequacy.
Over time, if these psychological imbalances do
not get the care and attention they need, the emotional cost of
divorce could translate into medical costs as well. As an example,
when one spouse falls into a depression, then psychological care
will represent an added expense. When the fighting and the bickering
drives someone to alcoholism or drugs, rehab costs should also
be factored in.
Cost of Divorce: The Financial Aspect
Before you file your divorce papers, do think twice, thrice, four
times. Talk to family members and friends. Find out how much their
divorce set them back financially. When they tell you the numbers,
you may want to re-consider.
Now, if you’re NOT prepared to re-consider
and you do want to divorce, the cheapest possible way is the do-it-yourself
divorce, but if you haven’t done any homework or due diligence,
there’s a chance you could end up with the short end of
the stick. If your spouse is more knowledgeable than you about
issues such as alimony, child support and division of marital
assets, you might not be getting your just part of the bargain.
Another alternative is the collaborative divorce
where your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer try to finalize
the divorce in the friendliest of terms.
What we mentioned does not really address the
issue of how much it’s going to cost financially.
We’ll begin with the legal fees. This is
where you realize that words aren’t cheap. Bear in mind
that a lawyer will charge you not only on the number of minutes
he talks to you in his office and on the phone, he will charge
you for researching jurisprudence, administrative costs like stationery,
courier services, court fees, filing fees, paralegal’s fees
and others. In fact he could be billing more time without you
than time with you. He has to write the proceedings, motions and
affidavits.
Lawyers charge on an hourly basis, on a retainer
basis or per package. Hourly fees in North America range from
$100.00 to $250.00 – higher in some cities. Retainer fees
range anywhere from $8,000.00 to $12,000.00 depending on where
you live, the specifics of your case and the lawyer’s hourly
rate. Some provinces in Canada and states in the US can charge
higher retainer fees. Keep in mind that if you choose to pay on
retainer basis, a written retainer agreement must be drawn up.
Caution: if the retainer agreement stipulates
surrendering title to your house or substantial cash assets for
failure to pay legal fees, do NOT sign the retainer agreement!
In other words, don’t give up anything you CAN’T afford
to lose.
Financial costs do not end in the lawyer’s
office, unfortunately.
Your properties: the properties and assets acquired
during the marriage may now only represent 50% of their original
value to you. If the divorce agreement calls for a 50-50 split,
you automatically lose 50% of the total value.
Personal effects like furniture, clothes, knick
knacks, collectibles and cars are usually evaluated on a “garage
sale” basis, so you and your spouse can agree who gets what.
As for the house, the spouse with primary custody
usually stays in the house with the children; or if the house
is no longer affordable to either spouse, you can both decide
to sell it and split the proceeds equally.
Other costs to consider:
Depending on who gets to keep the house, the following
will be have to be included into the cost equation:
• Mortgage and interest payments
• Property taxes
• Insurance
• Maintenance costs
• School and water taxes
Also, you may want to ask your lawyer how each
spouse’s retirement plans, 401(k) plans (US) and RRSPs (Canada)
and other pension benefits and plans should be divided.
Add: children’s expenses: tuition, medical
and health bills, recreational activities, baby sitters, special
care (if psychologists are hired to help the children through
the divorce), vacations and other expenses.
Article Source: http://www.article-matrix.com David Beart is
the owner of www.professorshouse.com. Our site covers such topics
as www.professorshouse.com/family/relationships/relationships.aspx">relationships,
children, gardening and other household issues.
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