| Not
all marriages are the same so who's to say what's acceptable and
what isn't. There are married couples who "swing" and
I don't mean in the park! Yet, they seem to be happily married -
at least they often say they are. I do know that the major causes
of marriage breakup are Debt and lack of money, Lack of sex, Infidelity,
Spousal Abuse - either emotional, verbal and/or physical, Baggage
from a previous relationship or from childhood and Unrealistic expectations.
If financial struggle gets too burdensome and
a better offer comes a long, that spouse is likely to head for
greener pastures! Lack of sex or a complete absence of marital
bedroom gymnastics won't meet the needs of a person with a healthy
libido. If a person has needs you can bet they will eventually
seek a solution to their frustration!
Domestic violence is simply unacceptable. Some
experts believe that perpetrators of spousal abuse can change
their ways. I have my doubts. If the violence is due to alcohol
or stress and these triggers are removed, then the abuse shouldn't
occur. However, this is not the same thing as a "cure".
Don't stay married if it means being wedded to domestic violence.
My view is that if you suffer from Battered Wife
Syndrome, the sooner you separate and divorce the better! Still,
most women in this situation put up with spousal abuse (and therefore
remain a domestic violence victim) in the hope that he will change
or that if they "walk on eggshells" the other spouse
won't get angry - WRONG!!
Infidelity is a tricky one. For many women, one
strike and he's out. However, infidelity is no longer gender specific
and many women today have had or have contemplated, an affair.
This has resulted in a somewhat more liberal approach in the sense
that women now understand better how easy a spouse can fall into
an illicite relationship these days - even though the reasons
differ as between men and women.
Some marriages work in spite of the husband being
a "player". They didn't marry him for his "faithfulness"
but for other benefits such as wealth, status, fame, etc. Other
wives have accepted the husband's regret at a one-off "foolish
mistake" and forgiven him. The same goes for some men who
have been on the receiving end of an extra marital affair. Still,
a cheating spouse is NOT generally tolerated - even once. In fact,
it is the quickest way of landing in the divorce court that I
know of!
This brings us to baggage. Now we all have SOME
baggage. We may have been married and divorced once or twice before.
It may be that we have issues from an unhappy childhood that impact
negatively on our lives as we get older. What about the "baggage"
associated with have young children from some other relationship?
Problems with child visitations, abusive ex-husband's and hassles
with child support can really put a girl off! Either they're fixable,
manageable or .... they're in the too hard basket and it's time
to move on.
I've left Unrealistic Expectations to last for
a reason. Most people who get married do not really understand
why they are getting married. They think it's because they love
the other person whereas the real underlying reason is this: -
They think that the other person will fulfill
their needs. This is the main reason why they love the other person.
Think about this. They see their new spouse as the person who
is going to make their life complete. Past baggage will disappear,
as their new partner fulfils all their dreams. The areas in which
he or she doesn't currently deliver on .... well, he or she foolishly
thinks that they''ll just change that over time! Big mistake.
This explains why so many people marry someone that they really
aren't suited for.
So, do you stay in your marriage or not?
This really depends on your own values. There
is no right or wrong answer for everyone. However, whatever decision
you make, make it honestly. Don't kid yourself. Make sure that
you think it through ... especially if you still love your spouse.
As Oprah says, "We are not our mistakes". It may be
that counselling can help save the marriage. Unfortunately, by
the time one spouse has reached a point where he or she is contemplating
separation and divorce, it is often too late.
Except in the case of infidelity and perhaps spousal
abuse, the decision to stay married or get divorced is one that
often takes time to consider. The practical consequences should
be looked at and you should talk these over with a divorce lawyer
who is also familiar with any Social Security and/or tax implications.
One final thought. While most people who get divorced
believe that they made the right decision, they often feel that
had they done things differently BEFORE they went off the rails,
they may have been able to save their marriage.
When most people think they want a divorce, what
they really want is a change. If you think that there is a chance
of saving your marriage BUT you don't know where to start. I strongly
suggest you visit the following link: www.divorceandwomen.com/save-marriage.html
Whatever you decide, know that there IS life after
divorce ... just ask some of your divorced friends!
© Barry J. Roche - Barry Roche
is a Divorce Expert and Consultant Author for Divorce and Women.
He is also the founder of The Self-Help Club (www.self-helpclub.com)
and the author of numerous divorce articles and ebooks including,
“How To “Win” When Facing Divorce”. He is
a formerDivorce Law Specialist who wrote this book specifically
for women. The book is available for purchase at www.divorceandwomen.com/help.html.
Barry is also the author of a 90 page Manual on “How To Beat
Your Financial Worries” (also available at www.divorceandwomen.com/help.html). | 
Overview
