| Belinda
Rachman, Esq.
You are thinking of divorce and worrying about
how your children will fare. It is your job to protect them and
you can chose to have a peaceful divorce. A mind works best, like
a parachute, when it is open. There are very creative ways to
divide property and to share children if both parties keep their
eye on the prize – the well being of the children. They
didn't ask for this drama and it is possible to shield them if
the two of you work at it. The idea of "working at it"
may sound odd to a couple who is about to break up just because
their relationship isn't "working" but if you have children
together your job will never end. There will be weddings and grandchildren
and holidays for the rest of your life. If you start World War
III now, with the kids caught in the middle, they are going to
have to do a lot of duck and cover as your verbal bullets whiz
over their heads.
Take a step back and focus on the children. No
matter what perceived wrongs may or may not have happened to you,
this is where you are right now and playing the blame game may
make you feel better but it is not productive. A little rational
thought instead of playing victim to your own feelings is what
is needed most right now. The more you focus on anger, the more
anger you will feel. Focus on the children now instead. Who has
been the primary caretaker? If you have been a stay at home mom
or dad, guess what, you will probably have to go back to work
because you won't collect enough support to keep you living the
life to which you have gotten accustomed. So if both of you are
working then you really get a chance to look at a shared custody
situation. It is hard to raise a child alone. Sometimes you really
need a break for your own sake.
5/2 2/5. This is a very popular child sharing
plan that gives the children a consistency that is dependable.
One parent always takes Monday and Tuesday while the other parent
always takes Wednesday and Thursday with weekends going back and
forth. This schedule provides continuing contact with the children
since there is never more than 5 days when they are away from
you. Some times the weekend runs into Monday/Tuesday and sometime
it runs into Wednesday/Thursday. Having big chunks of time with
and without the children lets you plan a personal and work life
that a lot of people enjoy.
On the financial side, if you have a bitter, uncooperative,
self employed spouse, try collecting support. It is impossible
unless they feel like paying you. This power struggle will probably
result in a lot of uncollected support. The last thing you want
is to go to war with a person like this. So now we talk about
the most important decision you will make. The kind of divorce
you have is up to you? Some people want to go in guns blazing.
There are a LOT of attorneys who just love clients like that because
they know they can make a lot of money off of you. But if you
have a self employed spouse, you NEED them to cooperate. You know
what your grandmother used to say about catching more flies with
honey. A long, expensive, adversarial divorce will not produce
a workable result when the side who owes the support is self employed.
They will dig in their heals and do so much creative accounting,
you will end up paying them.
We create our lives out of our intention. That
may sound counter intuitive. You didn't intend for your marriage
to end, did you? Imagine your intention is like a muscle, the
more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. If the two of you
intend to break up with as much cooperation and generosity as
possible BOTH of you will be better off, financially and emotionally.
I always say the same thing to people, you can divide the pie
two ways or four ways. Which way do you get the most? When you
use divorce mediation, you cut out the lawyers. The average fees
in California, when both sides have their own lawyers is $20,000
each, but the truth is that the more you have to lose the more
your fees will be. California divorce attorneys are the only kinds
of lawyers whose fees are protected by the equity in your home.
They KNOW they are getting paid. Do you think the case will take
longer or resolve itself quickly when you have a lot of assets?
Human nature being what it is, certain attorneys will make sure
the case does not settle until there is nothing left to fight
about. If you want more details, read Charles Dickens' Bleak House.
Nothing has changed since the 1800s.
The overwhelming majority of people know what
they have. Most couples know exactly what assets they have so
there are no issues of secret Swiss bank accounts so why do their
lawyers spend thousands of dollars taking depositions and serving
subpoenas. Why buy more than you need? You would never do that
with a house or a car? Why would you do it with a divorce? I am
not saying mediation is for everyone but if the two of you are
decent people who just want out, no one is trying to hurt the
other one and both of you are honest and reliable about money
with enough honor to keep your word, then you are the perfect
client for mediation.
Divorce is a transition that has its challenges
but an experienced mediator will help you in a way that is peaceful
and respectful to both of you. Prices for mediation are determined
by expertise and where you are located so make several calls,
interview several mediators to make sure you are fully informed.
In my own practice the whole process, on average, takes between
4-7 hours but there is certain homework that must be done prior
to working with me. Ask the mediator what percentage of their
cases settle and how many meetings did it take. In California
the average cost when both sides have their own attorney is $40,000
so whatever the mediator charges will be a tiny fraction of that.
The financial benefits of mediation are obvious but more importantly,
you will be comfortable enough with your spouse to co-parent your
children. This is the best gift you can give to your children.
I ought to know, I was one of those kids caught in the middle.
This is why I do what I do. Using mediation instead of litigation
brings some sanity back into the divorce process because the adversarial
system destroys families. So ask yourself, what kind of divorce
do you want? Peaceful divorce is an idea whose time has come.
Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com If you want more
information about the differences between mediation and litigation,
please listen to a very informative audio on my websitewww.divorce-inaday.comYou
only have one chance to have a "good" divorce so get
the information you need to make an informed choice.
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