Clare
Denton
Staying together for the children when a marriage
goes wrong is all very noble but is it the right thing to do?
Divorce can quite often be the better option even for them as
the tension within the home can do more damage than separation.
Even if there isn't all the shouting, arguing and slamming of
doors children can sense when things are not quite right and may
even think it could be their fault.
Once the decision to divorce has been made it
is important to keep the children informed of what is happening
using vocabulary appropriate to their age. Make sure they are
clear on how they will be affected and try to make their upheaval
as little as possible. To have to change schools or move away
from their friends at such a time can make the process far more
difficult for them.
It's also important that both parents let them
know they are not to blame and reinforce this message without
actually blaming anyone. They do not need to know who did what,
just that it isn't their fault.
Try not to involve the children in the real reasons
why the divorce is happening. This may cause them to apportion
blame to one parent or the other and therefore take sides. They
should not be put in this position and should be allowed to love
and respect each parent just as they have always done.
Keeping schools and other organisations your children
belong to informed is a good idea. The official adults they are
in contact with can then make more informed decisions on how to
behave with your child. They are also more likely to notice if
there are any profound changes in your child's behaviour which
may suggest they are not handling the situation well. There is
no shame in divorce these days. It is certainly not uncommon and
these official adults may well have previous experience with children
in this situation and be able to help.
There will always be the situation where one parent
is not prepared to play along with the best practices. The one
that does put down the other parent in front of the children,
doesn't turn up when they're expected or won't let the children
visit with the other parent. It's best not to 'play them at their
own game'. An announcement of 'See I told you daddy's a bastard/mummy's
a bitch!' is perhaps not the best way to go.
If you end up as the parent that leaves the family
home and sets up again in another residence it helps the children
to know that you still want them in your life by making a part
of that residence just for them. Their own room would be great
but a small cupboard just for their personal belongings will do
just as well.
It can be awkward when, once the divorce is over,
one of the parents finds a new partner - assuming that a new partner
wasn't the reason for the divorce. The initial introduction is
probably best done as a friend rather than lover. Children will
have a chance of developing a relationship without the fear of
upsetting the other parent before they are told that the new friend
is rather more than that.
The children will also want both parents to be
involved in the important events in their lives from nativity
plays to exam results. If you are the principle carer make sure
the other parent knows about these events and how to get tickets
or what date results are due so they can also make the effort
to be there. At the end of the day, even though your marriage
has ended and the divorce has come through, you are in a partnership
for life as two parents for each child born out of that marriage.
Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com Author Clare Denton
helps couples handle divorce. Here she talks about the impact
of divorce and children . For online support visit her site at
Coping with Divorce
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