| Abby
Johnson
No studies can really tell us how your particular
baby or toddler will react to your divorce; each baby is unique.
Babies are born with their basic personality, namely, his or her
own particular way of eating, sleeping and eliminating. These
basic qualities determine how this little individual will react
to stressful situations, from infancy all the way to adulthood.
Basically, the baby at birth has all the qualities for the personality
that will come later.
Baby temperaments may vary, but the need for consistency
and love during these first vulnerable years is important to every
baby. For example, in visitation, a baby under two should not
be moved between parents, but should stay in one home while the
absent parent visits him.
A baby needs a relationship with a “primary
caretaker,” one adult who provides a consistent relationship.
Psychologists have found that young babies develop human attachment
by bonding with just one person. It’s all right to have
many people in a baby’s life, but there must be one constant
person so he or she can develop a bond. Be very careful not to
use your baby as a pawn in your divorce. There was a recent article
about a baby that was regularly “kidnapped” by one
parent from the other. The mother said she was the better parent
and the baby belonged with her. The father said the mother suffered
from postpartum depression, and the baby would be better off with
him and his girlfriend. But neither parent was truly consistent
in bonding with the baby. And this baby was born prematurely,
so he was especially in need of consistent bonding.
It is particularly important that a single parent
tries to avoid the temptation to over or under-parent a baby.
Babies do need stimulation and cuddling, but they also need peace
and tranquility. If a parent is distant emotionally, and ignores
a baby’s cry, the baby will sense this and become irritated
or tense. Or a parent will often use the baby as a source of their
own comfort after a divorce, effectively transmitting their own
anxiety to the baby. This, too, can make the baby irritated and
tense. Babies will pick up on the parent’s anxiety during
the divorce process, and then this anxiety becomes the baby’s,
as well.
Sometimes the parent is just too preoccupied or
depressed and cannot effectively care for the infant or the divorce
is causing too much chaos in the household. At these times the
baby may be better off staying temporarily with a guardian or
relative until the parent is ready for full-time parenting. The
parent who needs to do this may feel guilty about their perceived
inability to cope, but it’s far better for the baby to live
in a secure environment outside of the home and then return to
it later when the environment is more stable.
Babies are very resilient, and they can endure,
even when faced with early stress. Many children, through the
years, have grown up emotionally whole and psychologically strong,
even though they may have had adverse childhood experiences. And
even those babies who do suffer emotional abandonment do not have
to carry the wounds through a lifetime. Child development experts
agree, if the child’s circumstances improve and change,
especially during the crucial ages of two and six, the negative
effects of early childhood neglect can be reversed.
Abby Johnson is a staff writer at Family Review and is an occasional
contributor to several other websites, including Lifestyle Gazette.
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