Dr.
Noel Swanson
Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new
phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day
that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would
unite... and part.
The very fact that two people who got together
and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin
have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate
indeed.
That is always sad.
But if you think that divorce is the only option
for you, then there is no point looking back to see who was at
fault. Instead focus on how to make the best of a bad situation.
One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced.
But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize
its impact on all concerned, especially children.
So, for the sake of the children, here are some
tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:
1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for
children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home,
preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.
So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard
yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the
love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this
juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be
honest with yourself and your counselor.
This is not to suggest that you have to tolerate
an abusive relationship ‘for the sake of children.’
An unhappy home is worse than a broken home. If parents can’t
live together as mature individuals then perhaps it is best to
get out of the relationship.
2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it.
Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are
not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid
lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you
a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from
moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking
up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.
3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly,
he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear
bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and
answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though
it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that
you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.
4. The secret of all relationships is honesty.
While you should not say nasty things about the other parent,
there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to
come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him.
You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind.
Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going
wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that
you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.
5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage
your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters)
with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience
for them. They need that. However much you might despise your
ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.
6. Do NOT use your children as a messenger between
two immature adults who cannot even find a way to talk civilly
to each other.
7. In case the other parent is really harmful
or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your
opinion is not based on your prejudices.
8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for
joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between
two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially
strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips
you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t
dictate your rules on the other parent in their house.
9. You may want to move on with your life and
make friends. Just be sensitive about bringing your new friends
home. Your children are not going to like them because they kill
all hopes of their parents ever getting together again.
10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the
experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach
your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into
a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of
it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn
and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.
Will your children suffer from your divorce? It
all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm,
adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly
about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't
live together, then you children can do very well.
All you have to do is be a good parent to the
best of your ability.
Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com Dr. Noel Swanson
has written a very informative book and highly entertaining on
managing child behavior problems - The GOOD CHILD Guide. Many
pediatric nurses consider it a must read for all parents. Also
get his parenting articles here.
Feel free to grab a unique version of this article from the Unique
Articles Submissions Service
| 
Overview
