Jerald
Young
Recovery from divorce requires us to confront
the emotional reality of lost hopes and dashed dreams. We also
have to confront our fears of an unknown future. When we are immersed
in this emotional process, often we can't see our options or understand
the reality of the situation as clearly as when the pressure is
off. We need someone whom we trust to help us handle this life
transition effectively.
A. The Value of a Good "Change Buddy"
When effective, this person can significantly
reduce the stress of change facing us. They can help us sort out
the reality of the situation from our perceptions that are notoriously
"squirrelly" during this time in our life. This person
can clarify the "right-headedness" of our decisions
and "right-size" the effects of our emotional reactions.
I call such a person a "change buddy." However, not
just anybody will do.
B. The Three Critical Qualifications Your "Change
Buddy" Must Have
Change Buddy's should have the following three
critical qualifications.
1. No Personal Agenda First, they should have
NO PERSONAL AGENDA. Their only concern is your happiness and success
– regardless of what the ultimate form or final arrangement
may be.
2. Tell You the Truth They should be able to tell
you the TRUTH, even when it is not what you want to hear. That
means you have to trust this person enough to give them permission
to be honest with you, without endangering your relationship and
friendship.
3. Personally Available to Help You. A good change
buddy must be able to devote extra time and energy to you to help
you through your transition.
C. The Counter-Intuitive Conclusion: Run Like
Hell from Family Members
Ironically, this usually rules out ex-spouses,
parents, other family members, and bosses. These people almost
always have a preferred solution they would like you to accept.
D. An Example of the Pitfalls of Choosing a Change
Buddy
A young acquaintance of mine had been married
for four years. She realized the marriage was not going to work.
They had no children and she knew divorce was the right thing
to do. She needed someone to assist her through her transition.
She chose her mother. Bad choice.
Her mother, having been through the pain of two
divorces, had her own personal agenda for her daughter, which
was to "protect her daughter from that pain and financial
loss at all costs." She pressured her daughter non-stop to
reconcile with her financially stable ex, even though that was
the last thing her daughter needed or wanted. After a few heart-rending
weeks, the daughter "fired" her mother from the change
buddy role, recruited an old college friend, and made a very successful
recovery from divorce.
Having someone we trust to have only our own happiness
at heart will make things much easier and saner while we march
down the path of our personal recovery from divorce.
E. So, What's the Point?
We all need someone to help us make a smooth recovery
from divorce. Picking the best person is requires some thought.
Be sure that your change buddy has no personal agenda, can tell
you the truth, and is available to help you through the crisis,
Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com To learn more about
the divorce recovery process and how you can speed up your return
to a "normal" life, go to www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com
To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress Level
go to www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm I help divorced
clients return to the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered
by the chains of anger, resentment, and shame that accompany divorce.
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