| Dr.
Charles Sophy, Fri Dec 9th
Every year over one million parents have to talk
to their kidsabout divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ,
but thegoals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestlyreassure
your child of your love. Divorce is painful andtraumatic for all
involved – spouses and children alike. We allhappily begin
our lives together full of shared hopes and dreamsand committed
to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost50 % of today’s
marriages end in divorce. How parents handledivorce, however,
makes the difference in their children'shealthy adjustment or
potential maladjustment.
Here’s an example of how to begin talking
to your child aboutyour divorce.
Let’s meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and
an only child. He’s theapple of his mother’s eye and
dad’s best buddy. Brad is at thetop of his class in school
and participates in the school bandand in the spelling bee. He’s
also an active athlete – playingintramural hockey and soccer,
and running competitively. Both ofhis parents attend all of his
sports and school activities.
One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after
a soccer gameand tells him "I have something sad to tell
you. Mom and I arehaving a hard time, and you may have noticed
something wasn'tright between us, and you are right. We’re
going to live indifferent houses and you’ll be spending
some of the week with meand some with your Mom. I know this will
be difficult for all ofus. So we should talk about it openly together
and about whatwe're both feeling." Discussing divorce with
your children isnever easy. Here are some tips to help ease this
transition.
1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Althoughthings
have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you stillhave
children to raise together. Be sure you both are inagreement as
to the timeline of the change and give yourchildren clear dates
and details. The more solid the plan, theless anxiety your child
will experience.
2. Use age appropriate language and details: Afive-year-old
and ten-year-old understand very different thingsand have different
levels of maturity. Follow their questioningbefore offering details.
Be honest, but remember what isappropriate for the age of the
child or they will not comprehendthe situation.
3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue
tobe loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children
knowthat your love for one another has changed, but that your
lovefor them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorceis
not their fault.
4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse
to notspeak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain
fromarguing in front of the children and do your best to keep
themout of your conflict!
5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings
of hurtor anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain
thedivorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you throughthis
period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals.Children
are not therapists!
Always remember: Strive to be communicative and
honestduring and after the divorce process because there will
bedifferent degrees of feelings over the event as time goes on.
Ifyou're communicating honestly, however, you can never hurt yourchild.
About the author:Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical
Director for theLos Angeles County Department of Children and
Family Services.He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly
Hills,California. Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep
‘Em Off MyCouch” blog, provides real simple answers
for solving life’sbiggest problems. He specializes in improving
the mental healthof children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his
blog athttp://drsophy.com.
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