| Christina
Rowe
When the ink has dried on your divorce papers,
and the dust finally starts to settle, you will find yourself
facing an entirely new set of problems. Now you are alone with
your responsibilities. The scheduling of your life is different,
and probably more difficult.
If your husband is limited to brief visitation
rights, then the day-to-day responsibility for your kids is now
completely yours. Even if your spouse has your children part of
the time, you will discover that you are more limited. If your
ex did anything at all around the house you will now have to do
it yourself. If he did any of the family bookkeeping, or helped
the kids with schoolwork, or took them here or there, that service
is no longer available.You have a household. Once there were two
people who could take on the duty of running it. Now there’s
one.
You will probably begin to see this happening
from the start. During your divorce these things present themselves.
But in some ways they aren’t as obvious then. This is partly
due to the incredible turmoil you are already facing. There may
also be other factors disguising the truth. Your friends and family
knew what you were going through while the battle was still raging.
Often some of them stepped up to bat, and helped in so many ways.
Your best friend drove your boy to sports practice through an
entire season, and maybe your sister took your daughter to shop
for clothes. But that was when your days were endless cycles of
lawyers, court dates, and searching for records. Now life is supposed
to be normal.
The only problem with that is the workload: it
seems to be permanently bigger.
In most cases the ex-spouse should be of help,
but there are almost always problems and disagreements. Most likely
these will last as long as your children are still underage and
a shared responsibility. How much support and help your ex is
giving you with the kids is usually a measure of your sanity.
I’ve had my own problems with this, as does nearly every
parent who keeps custody most of the time. My ex-husband’s
mandated times with the kids only cover a couple of weekends and
some weekday evenings each month. Often the evenings simply don’t
happen.
Many divorced parents face the same dilemma: doubled
responsibility not only for kids, but for shopping, cleaning,
paying the bills, taking care of the pets, doing the laundry,
and the list goes on and on!
Being a single parent is no easy task. For each
of us the new responsibilities take different forms. When they
are still together most parents gradually take on some aspects
of the good cop/bad cop relationship with their kids. Sometimes
dad is the one who is judge and jury, while mom seems willing
to listen. Or those roles might be reversed. Maybe your ex-spouse
was the disciplinarian; while you were the sympathetic one they
could always come to. Whatever role you played before, now you
must be both. If your boy gets in a fight, or your daughter mistreats
a schoolmate, you have to dole out the punishment. Yet, if there
were extenuating circumstances, you also have to understand. How
can a person do both? It seems almost impossible.
This is aggravated even more by the divorce. A
split inevitably sets up a competitive situation. In a conflict
people always look for allies, and in a divorce both parents want
the kids to be on their respective sides. This doesn’t end
with the decree.
If dad was once the disciplinarian, but now only sees the kids
for a few days a month, he’s likely to be much less help
when they do something wrong. He’ll want his house to be
the place where they have fun. At the same time, mom is going
to get tired of always being the one to give punishments. She
doesn’t want her children to hate her. This often turns
into a competition for affection that can only hurt the children.
What every parent in a divorce must learn is that
their children still have the same needs they had before the divorce.
That means they need the adults in their lives to take on adult
responsibilities. For instance, if you are about to leave your
children off at your spouse’s, don’t work extra hard
to leave the best impression. There’s no need to make your
last stop one at a fast food joint where you fill them full of
sugar and empty calories. Instead, just make them understand that
you love them, and are concerned with their well being in every
way. Ease them into the transition by assuring them of their place
in your life, while helping them see that they still have that
place in your spouse’s life as well.
If your spouse doesn’t cooperate, try to
resolve it when the kids aren’t there. Do all you can to
make sure that the facts of custody are not rules of engagement,
but rather are simply a structure for your children’s benefit.
If you and your spouse still have lingering differences in this
area, the best way to help your cause is to simply be the best
parent you can be.
But whatever your arrangement is with your ex-spouse,
life can’t help but be more difficult alone. So what do
you do in the face of overwhelming odds, and the seemingly inevitable
nervous breakdown?
First, remember you are not alone. There are millions
of single parents out there facing the same thing you are. You
probably know other mothers (and/or fathers) who are, or have
been, in the same situation. Don’t be afraid about turning
to them now. They may know things you don’t, and if not,
they can always lend a hand, or at least some sympathy.
Others who have gone through the same thing will
realize what pressure you are under. This isn’t simply a
matter of finances (though that issue usually has a lot to do
with it). You are now the one that your children come to every
day of the week. They need you desperately for their own sense
of security, especially after their world has been turned upside
down from divorce. You are the one who picks up after them, feeds
them, and gives them allowances. You are the one who talks to
their friends’ mothers and fathers. You get the call from
school. You talk to their teachers. You are the first one to hear
about bills for education and health. If your children are about
to go to college, you are the one they talk to about those possibilities.
If you are the parent they stay with most nights, and you are
the parent they see in the morning before they go to school, then
you are simply the one.
Because it used to be different, because there
used to be two of you, and because there used to be two parental
roles being played in this house, you now have to learn something
new. Now you must develop some skills you never needed before.
If you can do what is necessary you’ll find that this new
order isn’t that scary. If you can adapt, you will not only
survive, but thrive. A new exciting life is just around the corner.
Your job is to figure out how to keep from getting so exhausted
that “just around the corner” turns out to be an impossible
distance to cover.
Your job as a newly single parent may not be easy,
but it in time you will adjust, fall into a routine and discover
a new found strength you never thought you had.
Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com Christina Rowe
is the best selling author of "Seven Secrets To A Successful
Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival
skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your
divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: www.secretsofdivorce.com
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