| Dr.
Noel Swanson
Divorce is sad, divorce is unfortunate, yet it
is a fact of life. It is as old as marriage and is based on the
premise of freedom to get out of a relationship that is not working.
Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant.
It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong
reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point
of breaking it up.
Divorce has dark connotations because it affirms
that something went wrong.
But, if you have read any of my other articles,
you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see
who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to
see how you can make the best of a bad situation.
One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced.
But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize
its impact on all concerned, especially children.
And, the priority should be to make all efforts
to minimize its impact on the kids. Here are some suggestions
on how to do that:
1. Children love both parents. Ideally, you should
stick to the marriage for the sake of children, but if it is making
everyone unhappy, then it’s best to put an end to it. It’s
important to remember you have a responsibility towards your children
to provide a loving and caring home with both parents.
But, if your relationship is getting sour, for
whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping
it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel
the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly
as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once
had.
This does not imply that you should continue in
an abusive relationship ‘only for the sake of the children.’
If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse,
acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of
it the better for all who are affected by it.
2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it.
Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are
not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid
lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you
a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from
moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking
up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.
3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly,
he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear
bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and
answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though
it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that
you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.
4. At the same time, do not defend the other parent
if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable - not turning up
for visits when promised, failing to send cards and presents,
etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed,
and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it
quite clear that it is NOT your child's fault that you separated,
nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.
5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage
your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters)
with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience
for them. They need that. However much you might despise your
ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.
6. However, be very careful that you don’t
start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate
to each other.
7. In case the other parent is really harmful
or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your
opinion is not based on your prejudices.
8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for
joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between
two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially
strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips
you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t
dictate your rules on the other parent in their house.
9. Children are not prepared to see someone else
taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing
strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents
will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.
10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from
the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children
of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your
children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they
will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up.
Don’t assume that your children will suffer
from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you
will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner.
And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent’s role
in your child’s life.
Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very
best parent that you can be.
Article Source: http://www.article-matrix.com Dr. Noel Swanson
has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and is a
frequent contributor to Yes Parenting website.
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