| Ruben
Francia, Fri Dec 9th
What 7 most distressful situations to kids that
divorced parentsshould avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from
the painfulconsequences.
1. Carrying Message Between Parents
A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she
must act as amessenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's
secretsor accusations about another. Children want parents to
talk witheach other so that the messages are communicated the
right wayand so that children don't feel like they are going to
mess up.
Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly
with eachother, especially if the topic is likely to anger the
otherparent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to
your"ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating
to do soyourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example
to yourchild that you can resolve a problem with another person
by notcommunicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent
issuch a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.
Wherever possible, communicate directly with the
other parentabout matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling,visitation,
health habits, or school problems.
2. Getting Involve With Money Issues
Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues
in front ofthe children. How would you feel if you are that child
hearingmom and dad arguing about your financial support? Most
childrenupon hearing these things feel that their existence is
some kindof parent's burden.
Who will pay for what and how available money
should be spentare adult issues that the parents must discuss
directly. Do notput your children in the middle of your child
support disputes.
3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent
It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent
criticizethe other loved parent. Children see themselves as half
of eachparent. When children hear bad things about one parent,
theyhear bad things about half of themselves. If they hear badthings
about both their parents, they feel that both halves ofthem must
be of little worth.
Even if you are sure you're right, try to avoid
criticizing theother parent around the kids, and try to find good
things tosay, or don't say anything at all.
The following is a list of destructive remarks
that you shouldnot make to your child. If you find yourself saying
words likethese, stop and think about their impact on your child.
· You're lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just
like yourmother/father. · Your mother/father put you up
to saying that. ·Your dad/mom doesn't love any of us or
he/she wouldn't have leftus. · You can't trust her/him.
· He/she was just no good. · Ifshe/he loved you,
she/he would send your support checks on time.· Someday
you'll leave me too, just like your father/mother.
All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in
children.
4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent
Do not make your children a spy in the other parent's
home. Itis very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope
withfeeling "caught in the middle". If they want to
tell you abouttime spent with their other parent (and they usually
don't),listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don'tvolunteer
any information, try simply, "Have a good time? Good."
Encourage your children to love both parents.
They must not beburdened with having to align with one parent's
anger againstthe other.
5. Taking Sides
Your child wants to love both of his or her parents.
Asking yourchild to take your side in any situation regarding
yourex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for yourchild.
Avoid putting children in the position of having
to take sides.Allow your children to continue to love both parents
withoutbeing made to feel guilty or disloyal.
6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling
Complaining to your child about how lonely you
are after theseparation makes a child feel guilty and sad and
want to"parent" you. It's not healthy for them to be
consumed withworry for their parents' ability to survive.
Let your child be a child. They need the freedom
to be children.It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child,
or evenyour adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery,your
dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capableof handling
these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.
7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children
If The OtherParent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing Something
The kids hear these threats and fear more loss
in their lives.Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.
Recognize that for your child to have the best
chance of growingup to be a functional human male or female, he/she
will needboth parents as role models and nurturers. This means
that thereshould be some pathway of getting through to the child
whatevergood that parent has to offer.
Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute
isunhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing families.If
parents don't work issues through, those issues have a hugeeffect
on their kids.
It can be hard to do, but parents can improve
a situation byrecognizing their divorce is from each other, not
the children.Kids need to see that even though their parents might
not loveeach other, they are committed to staying connected because
oftheir responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seemabsolutely
impossible, because the parents can't tolerate theidea of being
connected. Yet the child needs both of them,psychologically if
not in reality.
Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.Publishing Rights:
You have permission to publish this articleelectronically, in
print, in your ebook or on your website, freeof charge, as long
as the author bylines are included.About the author:Ruben Francia
is an author of an indispensable divorce parentingguide ebook,
entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced'Children To Success".
Discover the ways to raising healthy,happy and successful children
even if you're on divorced. Visithis web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com
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