CHAPTER TWO - Should I Divorce or Shouldn’t I? I Can’t Make Up My Mind!

Are You Still In Doubt?

If you feel confused and a bit frightened about the prospect of ending your marriage, then once again - you are not alone but in good company.

Most people contemplating divorce experience times when they vacillate between wanting to “bite the bullet” by starting divorce proceedings and wanting to “stick it out” by staying in the relationship. This is also perfectly normal, Contrary to popular belief - or actually the perceptions of those whose spouses have left them - the decision to leave a relationship is a very difficult one to make. Rarely do people make the decision to end a marriage on a whim. Very few people impulsively decide to walk out on their marriages.

Ending a relationship is not easy. Aside from the emotional investment people make, there are other considerations like children, homes, cars, savings, bills, health care benefits, pensions and retirement plans to keep in mind. Unraveling a marriage, especially one that is longstanding is a challenge at best. And what makes the process even more difficult is having to make important decisions at a time when people feel most vulnerable, stressed and emotionally drained.

It’s always difficult to know for sure if you are making the right decision. What may feel “right” one day may seem “wrong” the next day. To help you in your important decision-making, I strongly recommend that you read Susie and Otto Collins’ ebook, “Should I Stay or Should I Go“ . This ebook is filled with hundreds of questions, stories and insights that will help the reader consciously determine whether to stay in a relationship or to move on.

Some of the things you will learn from reading this ebook are:

• 1. Know whether you really want to stay in this relationship or move on
• Find out what you really want in a relationship and whether you'll be able to have it in his relationship
• Identify the real issues going on in this relationship (they may not be what you think)
• Understand the communication challenges going on between the two of you
• Show you how the way money is handled in your relationship may be causing major problems without you even knowing it
• Tell you what to do if there's physical, emotional or sexual abuse going on in this relationship
• Give you a new way of thinking about how addictions affect your relationship
• Identify how patterns from your past may be unconsciously ruining your relationship right before your eyes

Assessing the Viability of a Relationship

One of the major obstacles to assessing the viability of a relationship doing so when that relationship is in a state of crisis. The emotional rollercoaster ride associated with a crisis makes decision making a huge challenge. One minute you are up and the next one you are down. One minute the marriage or relationship seems worth saving and the next, it feels as if it is completely hopeless or of little value. But, before struggling with figuring out whether the relationship is worth working on, perhaps the best starting point is begins with taking a hard look at you.

By examining your inner self, you may be able to establish what is it you want from a relationship and – whether your present relationship can reasonably meet your needs. You may find that your expectations of your partner and the relationship are way off base. On the other hand, you may come to the realization that your partner or spouse cannot give you what you are looking for. Whichever way it is, you owe it to yourself to take the time and energy to find out.

Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations of their spouse or partner. Sometimes, deep down people know it, but they delude themselves into believing that their needs can be met in the relationship. Sometimes people believe that they alone can make the relationship work. People who maintain these beliefs find themselves very disappointed and unhappy. After all, they are not getting what they need from the relationship.

By trying to keep the relationship going, they may also find themselves clinging to relationships that should have been left long ago. This is no different than people who fail to sell their stock shares while they were still in a position to cut their losses. Although this book is written for women, it applies equally to men.

Women’s Issues

Women have special concerns when they are contemplating getting a divorce. Because women’s needs are different from those of men, they are often plagued by indecisiveness and fear about the divorcing process. “How To Decide If You Should Divorce” was written to help women reach a well thought-out, careful decision based on what’s right for them, their values, their priorities, and their lives.

Ending a marriage ranks high on the list of “important decisions” a person has to make. Decision-making at this time should therefore never be taken lightly because the consequences of a premature “wrong” decision outweigh the consequences of delaying making “any” decision.

My advice is - when in doubt, Wait! Unless it is a matter of life and death, delaying your decision for 24 hours will not make a measurable difference. Alternatively, rushing into a hasty decision could be disastrous.

So…if you are reasonably sure that divorce is where you and your spouse are headed, you may still be caught up in the emotional turmoil caused by the process. It is absolutely vital that you get a handle on what you need to do to avoid making some very serious mistakes, particularly during the early stages of divorce. Mistakes made at this time could have a direct bearing on the settlement you will reach and the type of custody and access arrangements you will have with your children.

Issues Involving Addictions

“Co-dependency” is a term used to describe a type of unhealthy relationship. This term is generally used within the context of addictions and refers to the behavior of a spouse who is married to an alcoholic or drug dependent person. Codependency also affects children, siblings and other family members as well.

Co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Many people who are co-dependents fail to recognize the role they play in maintain the pathology within their relationships. Therefore, in spite of their extreme unhappiness, co-dependents find it difficult to end these relationships.

Co-dependency involves very complicated relationship dynamics which when untreated are difficult to change. For that reason, co-dependency is often seen in several generations within a family. One of the main motivations of a co-dependent is to “save” or “be responsible” for the alcoholic or addicted family member. It is this type of thinking that keeps the affected family member from recovering and in fact maintains both the addiction and the dysfunctional relationship.

The literature on co-dependency is relatively new as it was only about ten years ago that the term was first introduced. Much of written is also pretty technical and geared toward professionals who provide drug and alcohol treatment. However in my readings I came across Dr. Donald Scouten’s ebook, “Husband’s Guide to Understanding Co-dependency”. Although written for men, it is equally applicable for women. Dr. Scouten provides an incredibly comprehensive and easy to understand accounting of the problem that co-dependency is.

Some of the topics that Dr. Scouten writes about include:

• Does the term “co-dependency” apply to you?
• What love isn’t?
• Defining “enabling”
• How to break the co-dependent cycle?
• How to get rid of guilt and free yourself from the relationship chains you created

The important thing to recognize is – that even when people are able to end their current co-dependent relationship, they have a tendency to be drawn to partners with similar traits. Without intervention, the co-dependency will continue in future relationships. For that reason alone, this ebook is highly recommended.

Avoid Making Serious Divorce Mistakes

Did you know that how people initially approach the divorcing process and instruct their attorneys often sets the tone for the eventual outcome of their divorce settlement? Yes, it’s true. The problem is that people are expected to make very important strategic decisions at a time when they are least able to do so.

In my years as a divorce consultant, I have seen too many people do things that sabotage the outcome of their divorce. I find this to be utterly heartbreaking since people have enough to contend with during divorce that they do not need to contribute to their own problems through oversights, naiveté or poor decision-making.

Some of the issues people often overlook or fail to think about during the divorcing process are:

• when to know when you are in for a rough ride with your spouse?
• when to know when is it NOT the time to be on friendly terms with your spouse?
• how to redefine emotional boundaries with your spouse?
• when do negotiations not work in divorce?
• what are the special challenges for divorcing parents?
• how to get the most out of your attorney?
• how to reduce the cost of your legal fees?

I have compiled the answers to these divorce and custody related questions along with concrete advice in my latest ebook, “How to Avoid the Ten Biggest Divorce Mistakes”.

Do You Want to Give Your Marriage Another Try?

If on the other hand, you are among those who feel you want to give your marriage one last chance, “Save Your Christian Marriage". I am the first to say that if a marriage can be saved, the effort should be made in that regard. As a relationship consultant, I have personally observed marriages that were already in divorce court turn around and survive. This ebook provides useful strategies for learning how to forgive, coping with anger and learning how to communicate more effectively.

“Stop The Train, I Want To Get Off!” - How To Reverse The Divorcing Process?

I have to be perfectly honest with you. The percentage of people who start down the divorce route who successfully turn it around is very low. As I stated in the previous section, I have seen it happen so I can tell you that it isn’t impossible.

What it involves is commitment, a lot of hard work and a very good marriage counselor who really knows his or her stuff.

In my travels on the Internet I have found two resources that I feel are worthwhile looking into if you seriously want to explore the possibility of stopping your divorce.

The first one deals with a problem that plagues many couples and is often the cause of many marital break-ups - sexual dysfunction. I am of a strong belief that most problems that show themselves in the “bedroom” have their origins outside of it. The challenge is what to do about it.

You will be able to get some valuable insights about this common problem from "Hopeful Solutions for sexless marriage"

Many couples lose sight of what is really important in relationships. Although they get married for all the right reasons like wanting companionship and an opportunity to build a life together, too often once they take their vows, they get side-tracked by their careers, children, financial concerns. Consequently, their relationship begins to take a backseat and a rift starts developing. Without their knowing the underpinnings of their relationship erode.

“You Can Save Your Marriage” ebook helps people get back to the important cornerstones of relationships even if they have strayed far from each other.