CHAPTER
FIVE - Getting Started
Understanding
Your Divorce Options
There are
two basic ways your divorce can play out:
- Amicably,
or in a
- Dragged
our fight in court
Clearly, it’s
in everyone’s best interest to settle a divorce quickly,
reasonably and in a cost effective manner. However, this is not
always the case because peoples‘emotions, greed and desire
to retaliate often get in the way. Unfortunately in the end, the
only ones who benefit from a protracted court battle are the attorneys
who invest considerable time arguing issues in court that could
otherwise be settled through rational negotiations.
While it is
not always possible to avoid court - particularly when your spouse
may be taking a very unreasonable position on things, there are
two options that are gaining increasing popularity in divorce
law. These are Mediation and Collaborative
Divorce . Both utilize the principle of negotiation as
well as a genuine desire to avoid court as a method of resolving
differences. If you feel that you and your spouse are candidates
for either of these approaches, I strongly urge you to consider
them as alternatives to going to court.
Finding
An Attorney
Next to arriving
at the decision to divorce, the next most critical step in the
divorcing process is finding the right attorney. While the saying
“you get what you pay for” applies in many situations,
I am of the belief that when it comes to attorneys, getting the
highest paid attorney may not always be the best option. Clearly,
if you have a complicated financial situation, you need to have
an attorney who is experienced in dealing with large settlement
cases. In these situations, you don’t want to have an attorney
fresh out of law school handle your affairs.
I usually
suggest to clients to call around and speak to a few attorneys
before making the decision to retain one. It is also good to get
feedback from friends and relatives who have gone through a divorce.
With the divorce rate approaching 50% there is a real good chance
that you will know a number of people who have gone through the
process. Unless you have no assets, equal paying jobs and no kids,
then you will want to have a divorce attorney (rather than a general
attorney) represent you.
To help get
you started, here are several directories where you can find a
divorce attorney in your area:
- Respond
Legal
-
Divorce Lawyers
-
Divorce Interactive
Don’t
feel in a rush to retain the first attorney you speak to. It may
be wise to “interview” (yes interview - you are the
boss here) two or three attorneys and then decide which is the
best one for you. One thing to consider is how the two of you
actually hit if off. You will be spending considerable time with
your attorney as well as shelling out considerable money for his
or her services. It is therefore critical that you establish a
good working relationship together and feel confident that this
individual can represent you effectively. If you have any concerns
in this regard, continue shopping around until you are satisfied.
One other
important consideration in selecting a divorce attorney is their
approach to divorce. At one time the only solution to a contested
divorce was to “litigate” - or in other words, fight
it out in court. Today, there is another option called “Collaborative
Divorce“.
Educating
Yourself
If you are
like most people getting divorced, this is probably your first
(and hopefully - your only) time that you are going to go through
the process. And unless you are an attorney, you probably know
little about how to get divorced or how it will impact on your
life and that of your children.
It’s
essential that you educate yourself appropriately about all the
things you need to know about getting divorced. One place to start
is by going to Divorce Directory . This broad based directory
of 100 divorce service providers is listed by popularity. I am
sure you will find some excellent information at this website.
SURVEY
FINDINGS
In
a recent survey I conducted on a two large divorce online forums
the overwhelming majority (78.4%) of respondents indicated that
a lack of understanding of the divorce process was one of their
TOP CONCERNS!
There are
also a number of other websites dedicated to divorce that serve
as excellent resource bases for selecting attorneys by region,
child support tables, and divorce forms.
1. Check
out Millennium Divorce’s Divorce Forms . These are invaluable
resources that are categorized by state. By using them you will
save time and money when it comes to settling your divorce - even
if you have retained an attorney. This is a way you can be proactive
and take charge of your divorce
1. Check
out www.divorcesource.com . You will be absolutely amazed at the
range of resources this one website has. You will find referral
lists for attorneys across the U.S.A. and Canada, divorce forms
and a mortgage, income and child support calculators. The nice
thing about this website is much of the information is available
for free!
Learning
About the Divorcing Process
There is a
lot to know about getting divorced. Unfortunately, most people
don’t take the time to familiarize themselves with what
is involved because they are usually emotionally taxed when the
bottom falls out of their marriage. As well, people in this state
tend to rely on their attorneys to guide them along. While attorneys
are certainly well versed in the law and legal procedure, they
frequently fail to recognize their clients’ anxieties and
need to be better informed about the divorcing process.
Understandably,
the divorcing process is foreign to most going through it. The
most common areas of confusion for clients are as follows:
- The different
steps involved in litigating a case & why things take so
long to happen
- The experience
of going to court - what is involved
- Preparing
oneself for going to court
- Different
options in negotiations & why being reasonable does not
always work
- The tactics
(and reasons behind them) as used by attorneys to stall or frustrate
the process
- Arriving
at a settlement
- Realizing
that the final settlement is far from what was originally expected
and why that happens
- Coping
with the increased acrimony caused by the divorcing process
- Finding
ways to pay legal fees
- Learning
how to gain control over the process and finding ways to work
most effectively with the attorney
FREE
TIPS ON DEALING WITH THE
STRESS OF DIVORCE
-
Try to contain your worry - don’t let your worry and upset
rule you and consume your entire day - learn how to compartmentalize
your life so that you have the energy and presence of mind to
enjoy the more pleasant parts of your life
-
Find activities that give you pleasure and make time to do these
things.
-
Exercise is a great stress reliever - it also has the benefit
of making you healthier, stronger and leaner
-
Surround yourself with supportive people - those who care about
you and are willing to be non-judgm
-
Invest in a good therapist or a parenting and divorce consultant
(more about this later)
Having worked
with hundreds of divorcing families over the years and being aware
of their concerns, I realized that there was a huge gap in the
information available for people going through divorce. I also
realized that they were not getting the information from their
attorneys and it was also likely that they were too overwhelmed
to seek out the information in a book.
SOMETHING
TO THINK ABOUT!
Of
the 407 top divorce-related search terms, 242 (or 59%) of them
pertained to children and/or parenting following divorce.
So I came
up with a solution that I think is quite appealing to people who
need the right information in a fast and easy way. I put on my
thinking cap and put together an e-Course entitled, “Divorce
101: Things You Are Unlikely to Hear From An Attorney”.
The nice part about it is that it is available as a downloadable
audio file. This means that there is no reading involved - just
listening to a audio version of an e-Course that answers questions
to divorcing clients’ major concerns. It’s really
a “no brainer” and extremely helpful.
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