CHAPTER
SIX - When Kids Are Involved
What can be
more precious than our children? Unfortunately, for that reason,
in divorce, children often become “high stakes” commodities.
Sounds cruel? You bet it is! And just for the record, custody
disputes are on the rise. The obvious question is why?
The answer
is rather simple. Most custody battles are not about children.
They are about money and/or revenge. This is how it works…
As indicated,
children are highly valued by most parents and parents feel extremely
vulnerable at the thought of losing their children or their love.
On the other hand, money is also highly valued and people feel
vulnerable at the thought of losing it. Is this starting to make
sense?
Children and
money are two highly valued assets. If one is being threatened,
the best way to defend against losing it is to attack the other.
So, if a parent is fearful that he or she might be “taken
to the cleaners”, the best way to protect oneself is to
use the children as a “bargaining point” or “pawn”.
On the other
hand, a spouse may feel betrayed by his or her spouse leaving
the relationship (particularly for someone else). When this happens,
the embittered spouse often retaliates by punishing the other
spouse by alienating the children.
Both these
situations are regrettable and more importantly they are heartless
and selfish. In situations when children are thrown in the middle
of their parents’ dispute and are exposed to the details
of their parents’ conflict, it can be down right abusive.
Although these
situations are thankfully not the norm in divorce, they do exist
in increasing numbers. A quick search of the Internet will produce
hundreds of websites offering resources for parents struggling
with custody battles.
There are
lots of divorce forums on the Internet. Some are better than others.
Here is a list of the ones I feel are worthwhile having a look
at because they provide more than a venue for people to vent:
Visit these
groups and others. Many will allow you to read their posts before
joining. Once you’ve had a look around, you will be in a
better position to decide which ones best meet your needs.
FREE
TIPS ON SELECTING A DIVORCE DISCUSSION GROUP
Aside
from determining if the group content is for you, here are two
things you should keep in mind when selecting one:
1. Is the group moderated?
1. Are there rules about posting and general conduct?
These
two conditions are generally signs of a better quality discussions
forum and one you will likely enjoy and benefit
Parenting
and Divorce Coaches
It may seem
a bit bizarre and unnecessary to hire someone to coach you on
how to parent especially since this is something you’ve
being doing on your own for sometime. But as I stated earlier,
divorce is a stressful and challenging time of life and it places
a strain on every aspect of your life – including parenting.
Just as important
- most divorcing parents are ill-prepared for the changes, concessions
and compromises that accompany ending a marriage. It would be
wrong to assume that the way things were before (i.e., sharing
of responsibilities, decision making, involvement and finances)
will remain the same following a separation. In many cases, under
involved parents become more involved and in other cases, involved
parents become less involved. In some unfortunate cases, some
parents simply walk away from their parental involvement and responsibilities.
To help parents
adjust to new parenting arrangements, there is an emerging specialty
called “parenting and divorce coaching“. These individuals
have professional backgrounds in psychology, family therapy or
social work but more importantly, they are also trained and experienced
in the areas of divorce, family dynamics and child development.
Parents who
have used the services of parenting and divorce coaches have found
it is a cost effective way to work through some of the difficult
challenges that accompany divorce with someone who is highly skilled.
Parenting
Plans
One of the
most critical aspects of settling a divorce when children are
involved is developing an effective and workable parenting plan.
In spite of its importance parenting plans are often overlooked
or not given the attention they deserve.
A parenting
plan is a blueprint for how both parents will provide care for
their children as two individuals who no longer share the same
home. A well developed parenting plan deals with much more that
time sharing arrangements. And most importantly, a parenting plan
takes into account the changing needs of children as they grow
and mature.
Custody
Evaluations
As the number
of custody battles continues to rise, so does the number of custody
evaluations being ordered by the courts. As a matter of fact,
you can almost be certain that if you and your ex are unable to
come to terms on how you are going parent your children post divorce,
then the judge will order a custody evaluation.
Custody evaluations
are very detailed and thorough assessments of a family. Their
purpose is to determine what type of parenting arrangement will
best meet the needs of the children involved. A custody evaluation
will make recommendations about whether there should be sole or
joint custody, with whom the children shall reside as well as
the type of access for the noncustodial parent. It may also address
issues regarding a parent’s desire to move the children
to another jurisdiction and away from the other parent, matters
of religion and concerns about parental competency.
Psychologists,
social workers or family therapists who have received training
in conducting custody evaluations generally conduct custody evaluations.
Often times, the evaluations include psychological testing by
a registered psychologist. Most parents who have been through
a custody evaluation find the experience to be extremely stressful
and anxiety provoking. After all, it’s pretty unnerving
to have someone else may comments about your ability to parent!
FREE
TIP ON SELECTING A CUSTODY EVALUATOR
The
best way to get a feel for the types of recommendations a custody
evaluator may make or any biases he or she may have is to obtain
copies of previous reports submitted to the court. Any filed in
court is public record and can be a accessed by anyone.
If you seem
to be heading toward a custody evaluation, then it is best to
do your homework ahead of time. Although there is no way to guarantee
the outcome of your evaluation, there are some definite tips about
how to gain an edge in the process. A great starting point in
educating yourself is by becoming familiar with the “Guidelines
For Custody Evaluations in Divorce Proceedings”.
This document explains in detail the standards for how custody
evaluations should be conducted.
As in any
profession, there are good custody evaluators and not so good
ones. By properly educating yourself, you will be able to make
the best choice and not leave it up to chance. In most cases,
you will be able to put forward two or three choices. Often times,
the other side is unprepared. If this is the case, you will have
the upper hand. If the other side is prepared, then there is still
a reasonable chance that one of your selections will still be
chosen.
Once a custody
evaluator has been agreed upon and retained, the next step is
to make sure that you are properly prepared for the process. This
is where a divorce coach/consultant can walk you through the process
and even give you a test run of the questions you will likely
be asked. Learning how to conduct yourself during a custody evaluation
and framing your responses in a way that will impress an evaluator
could have significant impact on the recommendations that are
made.
The decision to go the custody evaluation route is an important
one.
In some cases,
a custody evaluation can cause more harm than good. You will find
that custody evaluator’s will often highlight parents’
weaknesses rather than their strengths. So it is essential that
you understand what’s at stake and what you are getting
yourself into.
FREE
TIP ON WHAT TO DO DURING A CUSTODY
EVALUATION
As
a general rule, your primary focus during a custody evaluation
should always be on the “best interests” of your children
and not on pointing out your ex’s flaws. Discussions about
your ex should be framed as “concerns” so they won’t
be perceived as “bad-mouthing”, vindictive or running
him or her down.
I prepared
an e-Course on how to prepare for a custody evaluation. It provides
solid tips and information about how to effectively get through
the process and gain a powerful edge on its outcome.
Some of the
topics covered in the e-Course are:
- What you
need to do to thoroughly check out your custody evaluator?
- How to
ensure that the custody evaluator has the appropriate credentials,
training and experience for your family situation?
- What are
the accepted guidelines that custody evaluators should follow?
- Why the
"referral questions" are so important?
- What are
the different components of a custody evaluation?
- Who to
choose for collaterals?
- What are
the things a custody evaluator is looking for in an assessment?
- How to
communicate your concerns to the evaluator in a positive way?
- What are
the things you need to avoid so that you will not make a bad
impression?
More
Important Information about Custody Evaluations ETC.
One of the
first things I am asked about when I am approached by clients
or attorneys who are interested in consulting with me is my credentials.
Without a doubt, this is very reasonable request because as I
stated earlier, there are a lot of people out there who call themselves
divorce professionals – but really aren’t. Unfortunately,
it is these individuals who give the rest of us bad reputations
and cause people like you to have a dim view of the “divorce
industry”.
When it comes
to choosing a custody evaluator it is vital that the person has
had training in how to conduct a custody assessment. I am pleased
to say that I am fortunate to have what I believe to be training
from the best in the area of divorce and custody issues: the late
Dr. Gardner (more to be said about his work in the next chapter)
and Dr. Barry Bricklin and Dr. Gail Elliot. Drs. Bricklin and
Elliot are highly respected psychologists whose assessment tools
are used widely by custody evaluators.
Aside from
being proud to have received training from these professionals,
I want to make you aware of two excellent resources developed
by Drs. Bricklin and Elliot. Recently, they produced two programs
developed to assist parents in having the best chance of winning
a favourable custody arrangement. As you might have already guessed
one is geared toward fathers while the other one is geared toward
mothers.
The information
provided in their programs is invaluable. For examples, parents
will learn fourteen "key behaviors" that differentiate
between parents who do well in custody disputes from those who
do not. Drs. Bricklin and Elliot consider these behaviors to be
strategically critical.
They also
identified the single biggest mistake a parent in a custody dispute
can make. And they state that the ironic thing is that the legal
system actually encourages parents to make this huge mistake.
Finally, their program helps parents identify the strategies that
will be used against parents to undermine them personally.
I learned
a lot from Drs. Bricklin and Elliot and I am sure you will too.
I strongly urge you to read up on what they have to offer.
Coping
With Children’s Distress During Divorce
It is very
normal for children to react to their parents’ separation
and impending divorce. Think about it… if you’re upset
and stressed out, your children will be so as well. While adults
have the maturity and capacity to understand what is going on,
children do not. When they see their parents upset, they respond
in kind.
Even very
young children (those under four years of age) react to the changes
in routine. It is unreasonable to expect any child to not notice
or respond to the changes that accompany divorce.
Not knowing
what to do only adds to parents’ stress during an already
challenging time of life. Check out “The
Divorcing Parent’s Guide to Coping With Children During
a Difficult Time” for some helpful insights
and tips on lessening the burden for your children and yourself.
Different
Types of Custody Arrangements
Divorce usually
requires that parents adopt new ways to or alter old ways of parenting
and caring for their children. No longer living in the same household
as your spouse is the primary basis for this change. Without a
doubt adjusting to being a parent while residing apart from your
children may pose one of the greatest adjustments for all concerned,
The general
attitude of family law courts in western countries is that children
benefit most from having both parents in their lives. As a consequence,
the courts are increasingly supportive of custody and parenting
arrangements that allow children to maintain their relationships
with their Moms and Dads regardless of where they live. Today,
the courts are leaning more and more toward “joint custody”
as the norm.
On that note,
it is important to become aware of some terms which will likely
have a direct bearing on how the courts will define your legal
role as a parent.
Here are some
important terms you should take note of:
Joint
custody (or Joint Conservatorship) – this means
that you and your spouse remain “legal parents and share
in jointly making decisions about your children’s health,
education, religion and general welfare. As well, having joint
custody means that each parent needs to be in agreement about
removing the children from their jurisdiction, traveling to another
country or signing documents on your children’s behalf.
Basically, joint custody means a continuation of your legal role
as a parent that you had since your children were born. Joint
custody does not necessarily mean that you will have equal time
or access to your children.
Sole
Custody – this means that one parent remains the
legal parent and has the right and responsibility to make all
decisions regarding the children. The parent with sole custody
is not required to consult with or obtain permission from the
other parent on any matters pertaining to the child. The parent
with sole custody does not require the other parents’ signature
on their child’s passport and as such is free to travel
freely with the child.
Shared
Parenting or Custody – this generally refers to
the timeshare arrangements between parents with joint custody.
Usually, this term assumes that parents in a shared parenting
arrangement will have equal or close to equal time with their
children. In these arrangements, parents typically live in the
same jurisdiction to facilitate schooling, health care, social
activities etc. There are many different types of shared parenting
arrangements or schedules depending on the ages and needs of the
children involved.
Primary
Residency – This is a terms used to describe where
the children reside and which parent will assume responsibility
for their day-to-day care. This term does not mean “sole
custody” – it just means that the children will reside
with this parent and that the parent will assume the responsibility
for the children’s care at their residence.
Access
– this term generally refers to the time that the non-custodial
or non-residential parent spends with his or her children. It
assumes that a shared parenting arrangement is not in place. Typically
access periods occur for an evening mid-week and over the weekends.
As well, extended access periods are designated for parts of major
holidays (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving) as well as for breaks
in school (Spring Break, summer vacation). Specific access periods
are also provided for parents’ birthdays and Mother’s
day and Father’s Day.
Remember,
it is important to clearly understand the differences among these
terms so that you can ultimately instruct your attorney on how
to proceed in your case.
Tools
to Parent (and Co-parent) More Effectively
One of the
biggest challenges facing divorcing parents is finding ways to
maintain their relationships with their children when the parents
cease living together. This is especially true for parents whose
circumstances require timely physical separations from their children.
Fortunately,
there are some excellent resources available to assist parents
and children to maintain their relationships even from afar. Also
these do not replace face-to-face contact between parents and
children, they are a large improvement over what was available
previously. Some of the most recent advances in technology such
as cellular phones and web cameras make the task of keeping relationships
alive that much easier.
Here are two
other examples of how modern technology combines with child-focused
ingenuity to produce “family-friendly” resources for
parents and children:
Virtual
Visitation - Virtual Visitation involves using tools
such as personal video conferencing, a webcam, email, instant
messaging (IM) and other wired or wireless technologies over the
Internet or other communication media to supplement in-person
visits and telephone contacts between two people.
It has great
application to help children and their noncustodial parents to
stay in touch. It is also an excellent way for parents and children
to communicate regardless of their custodial arrangement or the
distance between them. Visit the website for a short video on
how the virtual visitation works. The best part of all –
this service is completely free!
The
OurFamilyWizard® parenting website was designed
by divorce parents with the help of family law professionals to
coordinate family schedules and share family information. The
website acts as a conduit for parents to plan for the holidays,
share insurance cards, keep track of shared expenses, and much
more. It has become a tool to help courts to eliminate the “he
said”-“she said”, dilemma by making parents
accountable and keeping children out of the crossfire.
The website
has seven sections: the Shared Family Calendar, Message Board,
Journal, Information Bank, Expense Log, E-Coupons and Resources.
While some families utilize all of the site’s life management
tools, others benefit from using just one or two of the tools.
Comments from
parents and family professionals logged in the OurFamilyWizard®
guest book tout the site’s effectiveness. Lois, of Mediation
Works North in Minnesota says, “I have been a divorce mediator
for seven years specializing in parenting plans and co-parenting
issues. I also teach conflict management and communication classes
and the Parents Forever Divorce Education as a mandatory part
of the mediation process. All I can say is ‘way to go people!’.
I will be referring all of my clients to your site.”
The greatest
beneficiaries of the OurFamilyWizard®
parenting website are the children. By providing a non-emotional,
non-verbal, and well-organized forum for parents to share information.
OurFamilyWizard®
greatly reduces the stress placed on the children. In addition
to no longer hearing disagreements of parents at exchanges or
on the phone, children no longer have to be messengers between
squabbling parents because communication between parents is through
OurFamilyWizard®
Journal and Message board dedicated to the family. The
OurFamilyWizard® communication tool truly does
make life better for children
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