CHAPTER
THREE – Dealing With Infidelity
And
What If There’s “Another” Man or Woman?
It’s
hard enough to get your head around ending a marriage when there
are just you, your spouse and your children. Add to the mix a
bit of infidelity and you will put a whole new twist on the situation.
Whether you are the “cheater” or the “cheated”,
the presence of another relationship will undoubtedly not only
raise the threshold on upset feelings (and that’s putting
it mildly), but it also has the potential for making the divorcing
process be that much more difficult.
For
the “Cheater”
If you are
the one who is involved with someone else (i.e., having an extramarital
affair), then I strongly advise that you place this new relationship
on hold until you sort out your marital situation. I say this
for two very important reasons:
- First,
it next to impossible to sort out your feelings about your spouse
and marriage (and your future) when there is someone else in
the “wings”. You need to be able to assess whether
your marriage has a future by assessing it based on its own
merits - and not because there is a better option with someone
else.
- Second,
and more importantly, if your spouse learns that there was someone
else in the picture while you were supposedly “working
on your marriage”, this will surely add resentment, anger
and hostility to the divorcing process – again, making
it that much more difficult and stressful.
I’ve
written “The
Anatomy of An Affair”, an ebook which provides
some interesting insights into why affairs begin in the first
place. Basically, it operates on the premise that most affairs
are not about sex. Instead they occur because there is a flaw
in the relationship. In other words, at some point one or both
spouses realize that “needs” are not being met. Although
this idea may infuriate those who find themselves on the receiving
end of infidelity, it nevertheless makes the point that “good”
marriages are rarely at risk for infidelity.
Many couples,
who have faced infidelity, make the decision to use this event
to rebuild their relationship. Although I have to be perfectly
honest by stating I do not see this happening very often, I also
can state that it is possible to move beyond the affair. What
it takes is time and a tremendous amount of commitment, patience
and love from both partners.
Psychologist
Dr. Bob Huizenga has written an excellent guide for couples who
want to put their relationships back on track. Although there
is no magical formula that can guarantee that the infidelity can
be overcome, Dr. Bob’s method – “Breaking
Free From the Affair” is designed to help couples
get through the rough spots and deal with the blaming, anger and
despair that often stand in the way of rebuilding a relationship.
For
the “Cheated”
If you suspect
that your spouse may be having an affair, then it is important
that you find out what is really going on. Having unverified suspicions
that drag on and on only adds unnecessarily to feelings of ill
will and stress. And should there be no basis for your continued
suspicions, this in itself could very likely ruin a marriage as
easily as infidelity.
No doubt the
easiest way to get to the truth of the matter is for your spouse
to provide you with the “straight goods” on what is
going on. However, often times this just does not work either
because the spouse’s denial of the affair is not believed
or the cheating spouse is simply unwilling to fess up. This then
leaves the onus on you to get the information you need to confirm
or dispel your suspicions.
“Beating
Cheating : Expose A Cheater” and "Proven
Ways To Catch A Cheating Spouse" are eBooks
that help readers get the answers they need. The strategies and
techniques will get you the evidence you will need to once and
for all allay your concerns. The eBooks outlines some telltale
signs of infidelity such as sudden changes in behavior, cell phone
records and credit card charges that don’t add up.
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